Monday, November 26, 2007

Holy Crap!

This article was printed about a month ago in the Orlando Sentinel, but I hope you agree that the message is as timeless as the dead sea scrolls.

Let me start by saying I've never been to the Holy Land Experience. It's not that I don't have an interest in a Biblical theme park, it's just that my life gets busy with other things like flossing my teeth and touching up my roots.

But after reading the Sentinel article, I'm much more interested, now, in visiting the corporate headquarters in Costa Mesa than the park itself. No wait, I want to go to their studio in Dallas - it's a replica of the White House...and then I'll head off to Twitty City in Nashville!

Paul and Jan Crouch are the owners of Trinity Broadcasting and Holy Land, and I soooo want to party with them. They've got thirty houses and a jet, which is twenty-nine houses and a jet more than any of my lame friends. Plus, their former security director calls them a cross between "The Beverly Hillbillies" and "The Sopranos." I feel like I was separated from these people at birth.

The Crouches bought up "the struggling attraction" over the summer. Soon after that, they did a little "employee cleansing" and fired one-quarter of their workforce. I'm sorry - I meant to say they were downsized for the "fiscal health" of the Holy Land. It was a health issue, people - show some freaking compassion!

Let me explain this to you, in case you didn't learn it in high school - when you get popular, there's always some jealous hater waiting in the wings to take you down. Just ask David Hasselhoff. And the Crouches.

To this, I say..."What's there to hate about people who do telethons that have raised more than a billion dollars in the name of the Lord?" Talk about ungrateful -the Christian watchdog organization downgraded them from a "C" to an "F". For those of you who don't have an understanding of the evangelical grading system, the "F" stands for "F-You!"

One thing you should know, though, if you ever come face-to-face with the Crouches when they are here in town: DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT toss out clever little quips about mistaking them for Jim and Tammy Faye Baker. It's old. The Crouches ask that you sharpen your wit and "up the funny."

Now, to those of you who will certainly label me a blasphemer for this piece, let me just tell you that my kids go to a Christian school, which is the equivalent of saying "I have gay friends" when being accused of homophobia. So there!

And so that we can end on a happy note, I was able to track down Jan and Paul's recent pic from their visit to Glamour Shots in the Altamonte Mall. Enjoy!

1 comment:

Pop said...

Ahhhhh.... Good old religious "fervor", zeal, or possibly....opportunity? The good ol' American work ethic.

Reminds me of a refrigerator magnet I saw. A contemporary man in a suit was walking with Jesus, who was in his traditional 30AD garb. The man appeared a bit terrified and looked up to Jesus saying "Jesus..... Please protect me from your followers".... Something we all may want to contemplate...