Insider Tip #67: When visiting Lake Eola, DO NOT LOOK UP!

While I sincerely appreciate the warning from Orlando city officials, I think most of us realize when we venture out into the open air, we face the possibility of falling victim to "bird droppings."

Unless, of course, this sign refers to the fact that the birds, themselves, are dropping...which presents an entirely different safety issue, altogether.

Judging from the look of the it, though, the birds were lining up to be the first to christen it.

When they say "500 Gay Softball Players," they mean "500 Gay Softball Players"

If you don't have the guts to visit the gay landmark/resort that is the Parliament House, that's OK - you can feel almost as naughty just visiting their website. I love the pics and all the fun events they have listed, although I have to admit, as a straight Mom in the 'burbs, I sometimes need to enlist the help of a gay translator.

Thank Goodness for Fred - he's the concierge at the Parliament House, on-call to answer all my stupid questions. Like the other day, when I read about 500 gay softball players that are slated to be in town on the weekend of January 19.

"Wait a second," I said to myself, "I get it - that's some kind of gay play on words. Soft-ball players...heh heh." I have a dirty side, you know; I'm not naive.

So, I emailed Fred and asked him, "What does it really mean when you talk about 'watching 500 gay SOFTBALL players'?" Is it some sort of underground party? A filthy orgy-esque kind of thing? How deviant, in our "family-oriented" city! Is it even legal?

Fred politely responded with: "It means there will be 500 people at a park participating in a softball game for charity."

Oh. OK.

Well, hopefully things will start to get crazy when Gay Days rolls around because in the words of the great Homer Simpson, "I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals FLAMING!"

The end of an era - No place left to watch ostrich racing in Orlando

Dang it! Dolly Parton's Dixie Stampede has closed.





I think Fark.com has done a great job of summing up this Orlando tragedy: "Dolly Parton's Dixie Stampede abruptly closes. No word why, but it's probably because management were boobs and didn't keep abreast of the fact that they were accumulating huge mounds of debt."


Parton me, there is one other thing to add...now that they've said ta-ta, what are they going to do with all the jugs of moonshine?

Photo from Orlando Sentinel/Gary Green

Live like royalty!

Who better to pick the most tacky fabulous place to stay in Orlando than Len Testa, co-author of "The Unofficial Guide to Walt Disney World"? Len brings this to the table:

It's the Magic Castle Inn on 192 in Kissimmee. On the plus side, rates start at $39 and they usually have rooms available. On the downside, this fortress is right next door to Harry's House of Helitours, so the din of not-so-distant choppers makes it tough to grab a nap or a romantic afternoon quickie.

Back to the plus column - a very jovial staff. When Len asked if the pool was heated, the person at the front desk responded with "Yes, by the sun." She gets a lot of mileage out of that joke, I presume.

In the negative column - The castle is so...you know...purple.

They do have a website, but I want to remind you that things (and people) always look better in online profiles, so don't get too worked up about the Magic Castle Inn, based on what you see here. This is the photo they've posted on their site to give you an idea of what their toilets look like. I have to say, they do look a lot like the bathrooms you find in all the best castles in Europe. The bidet is just out of view in this shot.

Who knew Mills Ave was such a hotbed for important stuff?!

First, we found out your friends have crabs there...then the discovery that a "lust cash transactor" was taking care of biz...and now word that the Mills/Nebraska area was once home to the World's Largest Board.
Here's the deal: The board used to be outside Mills Nebraska Lumber. Mills Nebraska Lumber is now called Mills Nebraska Door and Trim...and it's not located on Mills or Nebraska - it's on Regent Street (huh?) According to the receptionist, the board made the move with them to the new address. (I swear, I called!)

photo courtesy of World's Largest Roadside Attraction

Receiving more accolades than the latest Coppola flick...

Rob sent me an email me that contained just three simple words...words that conjure up incredible images in the minds of all Central Floridians.

Family...Auto...Mart

I was trying to figure out how to describe these guys, for those of you who aren't in the Orlando TV viewing area and haven't been lucky enough to bear witness to the owner being harnessed to the front of a sleigh during the holiday season. Suffice it to say, the brothers from Family Auto Mart are a visual product, best enjoyed on a late night bender.

Fortunately, their website is as tacky fabulous as their TV spots.

OK, so where to begin?

They have merchandise, a fan club (with photos from an autograph signing), a CD, a bio that reads longer than War and Peace (without a spell-checker), an instructional video (so you can do the "Family Man Dance" at home), and a great motto which is clearly the work of a fancy ad agency ("Kiss me in Kissimmee!"). Oh, and I think they sell cars, too.

In a style that can only be described as "the Family Man writing in the third person," the history of Family Auto Mart is chronicled in one looooooong page with phrases like, "in his wisdom, the Family Man knew..." and "everyone wants to know how he did it, how he came up with all the hilarious ideas!"

And...

"His different ideas for TV and print advertising gave the Family Man notoriety and fame, not only in Melbourne or Central Florida, but also in the entire country"..."the response was phenomenal"..."cult following"..."fame"..."hilarious"..."shaping the future for this thriving business"..."made it what it is today"..."legendary"

The 30 minute infomercials are described as "The most exciting half-hour on television!" You decide

The only thing better than a Whiskey River in Kissimmee is a Lake of Vodka in St. Cloud

After waxing nostalgic last week about the Big Bamboo Lounge, I heard from several people who tipped me off to a new place down the road from the fomer Boo that's home to a whole lot of redneck fun. It's called "Whiskey River."

I wasn't really convinced until I visited their website, but now I have to admit, it does seem to have all the necessary components for a tacky fabulous bar: It's in Kissimmee...in a motel...they've got karaoke...and a stripper pole. I also like the fact that they've posted all the details about their upcoming Christmas party (today is January 5)...only one person has signed the guest book...and their photo page of "regulars" includes a woman holding a sleeping baby.

Count me in!

photo #2 courtesy of Whiskey River

On a mission from God

Carving scriptures on tablets of stone is out...Writing messages in the sky on behalf of Jesus is in!

You know how you think your family is normal until you get out into the real-world and discover otherwise? The same can be said for Orlando. Most locals don't even blink when there is a happy face being drawn in the sky in the name of the heavenly father, and we only notice something is amiss when we head outside city limits and God doesn't communicate with us via plane exhaust anymore.

That happened to me last month in New Orleans when I looked up and things seemed pretty bare. "Where are the sky messages?" I asked, and everybody looked at me like I was crazy. Apparently, in New Orleans, they only have clouds in the sky and some occasional planes. No smileys. Weird!

I'm fascinated with the Disney-area skywriting - in particular, how much money it costs to spread the good word with the ever-rising cost of fuel. According to Boing Boing it's all the work of a group called Holy Smoke. So, keep that in mind on Sunday when you head out to church. While you sit in the pew inconspicuously watching your Blackberry, there's a modern day spiritual warrior doing triple Lindy's in his airplane for his creator. Kind of makes your $5 offering seem a little insignificant, hey?

(photo courtesy of Cory Doctorow)

Why not spend your vacation running naked on a treadmill?

There are very few things I'd like less than paddling around naked with my parents in a canoe. Not only is it NOT my idea of a vacation, it is the stuff nightmares are made of.

But I might be alone in that sentiment because there are plenty of families making the trek to Cypress Cove Nudist Resort for sun, fun and bare buns.

If you agree that "Clothing can lock us into expected roles and behaviors, contributing to the tensions of daily life," this just might be the place for you. But before you pack-up the...well, I guess you wouldn't have to pack-up anything...But, for those of you who are thinking of visiting, please be familiar with the rules:

For starters, polite nudists always carry towels for sitting on. In other words, it's rude to bare ass everywhere you go. That would include dining at the clothing-free restaurant, "Cheeks". Doesn't it look so romantique in a 70's porn kind of way?

Secondly, according to the FAQ section of the website, single males must have "a formal nudist background." Translation: horny dudes can't just show up at the door, park ass on a lounge chair and start ogling. You need proof of experience in the field of public nudity, which could include a nudie membership card or receipts from other nudist clubs. (I swear!) I'm sure if you've had any sort of specialized training, college coursework or professional development classes in nakedness, that would count too.

Also, you have to be buck ass naked at the pool and the gym. No exceptions!

The gift shop is called the Fig Leaf Boutique. They have great hats.

The Spa is called Nature Hair. 15% off pubic services on Wacky Wednesday. (OK, I'm lying about the specials)

Cypress Cove is affiliated with a group called "Bare Buns Bikers." Wanna see a bare buns biker? You know you do! (Hey buddy, where is your towel?!)

All photos courtesy of Cypress Cove

Somebody must have tried the "I wasn't laying down - I was just positioned horizontally" excuse

We are in the fight of our lives here in Orlando for the designation of "The City Beautiful" (Kiss off, Coral Gables!) As such, we have no tolerance for that hideous sight of people reclining on park benches. ICK! In fact, sleeping in foliage has become such an epidemic in our city that lawmakers have been forced to pass an ordinance and erect signs at Lake Eola to deal with the problem.

I know - you're saying to yourself, "But wait a second! Didn't Orlando hover near record high rates for murders in the year 2007? Shouldn't there be a sign, instead, that reads: "Please do not impale with bullets or otherwise inflict death blows on other beings?" The answer is yes, but people who commit homicides tend to start as people who recline on park benches. It's textbook.

It's a state of emergency, y'all!

Wildfires? Nope. Hurricane? Nah. Tornado? Nada.

Temperatures in the low 20's tonight...Duck! Run! Take Cover, says Governor Crist.

Thanks to Brighthouse 13 for the tips on recognizing hypothermia, tips for recognizing hypothermia in canines and felines, tips for recognizing hypothermia in senior citizens, advice for dressing in cold weather ("Tip #1: wear a hat"), space heater safety advice, a reminder to clean the chimney, and a video titled, "Preparing for the Worst."

Gone, but not forgotten...

I still find myself thinking about it all the time - with the Christmas tree that stayed up year-round...the beers served in Mason jars...the walls decorated in shirts, name tags, and foreign money...and the military ambulance/watchtower out front.

RIP, Big Bamboo Lounge in Kissimmee.

"The Boo" was the best bar in Central Florida, if not the world. When I was living in Orlando for my stint with the Disney College Program, it was THE place to go for an after-work drink. I celebrated my 21st birthday there...I made out with my boss in the parking lot there...and I think I might have tinkled behind my car because the bathrooms weren't working. (By the way, that was all in the same night).

In later years, The Big Bamboo went high-tech, adding a TV that got 2 channels. They served beer nuts and chips, and the bartenders would let you order-in pizza if you got really hungry. It was a great place for a pick-up game of chess or Trivial Pursuit. They didn't take credit cards. There was no air-conditioning.

It opened in 1977, suffered severe damage in the hurricanes of 2004, and died after a fire in 2005. I think it's a Publix grocery store now.

(photos courtesy of the Big Bamboo fansite and the Big Bamboo's myspace page)

Wait a second...wouldn't you need an extra arm to drive your motorcycle and do "THAT" at the same time?

Some pervs are also great multi-taskers - like this Central Floridian who decided not to gratify himself in the comfort of his own home, but opted, instead, to do it while driving his motorcycle.

photo courtesy of Local 6 WKMG.

Is he a pimp?

Tell me, please, is someone who deals in "Lust Cash Transactions" the same thing as a "Love Broker?" A trader of sexual commodities? A merchant of passion? The liaison for copulative relations? A commissioner of sinful delight?

This biz, ironically, is located on Mills Avenue, right near your friends who have crabs.

Happy New Year!

The Grande Masque Ball was held last night at the Gaylord Palms. You can tell it's a super-swanky event because organizers put an "e" at the end of "Grand" and spell "Mask" all frenchy. Tickets are $800 per couple, which benefits the Orlando Opera, the Orlando Philharmonic Orchestra and the Orlando Ballet. (Do we have these already or is the money being spent to start up the programs?)

I couldn't make it, though, because I wasn't invited AND because we had our 6th annual New Year's Eve bash in my neighborhood and we really rolled it out!

There was a big fireworks display.

There was a construction-paper-chain-on-lawn exhibit (for those of you who don't have an appreciation or understanding of art - that says "2008").

In addition to Blueberry Martinis and Peppermint Cosmos, there was a great food spread.

If this is a sign of what's to come for 2008, I think it's going to be a very good year!

Lights out and nightie night for the Knights...

Mike emailed to ask why I didn't mention anything about the Knights. I guess, like everybody else here, I'm trying to forget about Saturday's game against Mississippi.

I have to admit, I did contract Knight fever this year. I know, I know...I'm a fair-weather fan, jumping on board in a season when UCF had a record 11 wins (7 consecutive!) with games held in a plush new stadium.

I went to the Ragin Cajun game with my neighbors, Jeff and Mary who are the biggest UCF fans ever - in fact, they are still in Memphis at this very moment, recovering from the Liberty Bowl. Jeff and Mary haven't' taken a break from tailgating since graduating in the late 80's. They hit it hard with their fellow alums in the parking lot of Brighthouse Stadium - section F7. This group is all about EXTREME tailgating...even the food is themed around that day's match-up (it was a seafood boil for the game against Louisiana and I really enjoyed the "Ain't Nothing but a Hound Dog Bites" for the Mempis game). Their group doesn't do paper plates, aluminum foil or ziploc bags. They drink a lot of Michelob (Light!). On the day I tagged along, we got there at 9am and left at 10pm. By the way, did I mention Tom and Stacey McNamara and their 43 foot Black & Gold RV? No joke.

Photo courtesy of this.

STD pride in O-town.

Don't worry - it's all cool - nothing to be ashamed of. Some of my very best friends have crabs too! Although they don't work in restaurants.

I don't just preach the tacky fab lifestyle - I live it.

this photo from the Orlando Sentinel


If Austin Powers ever takes an Orlando vacation, he'll certainly agree the Red Fox Lounge is radioactive, baby. Take my word for it – The Fox is the grooviest place in Central Florida and the most fun you can have in a motel bar.

I went again to see Mark & Lorna last night. They've been performing at the Red Fox Lounge every Tuesday through Saturday for the past 16 years; they’ve been married for thirty-five. The lounge is a small room in the Best Western Mount Vernon on 17-92 in Winter Park. Lorna sings and Mark plays a mean synthesizer. The audience is encouraged to join in (but let’s face it, when Mark belts out “Sweet Caroline,” who needs an invitation?)

The crowd is random and on any given night you might find yourself next to college students or veterans of the Korean War. Sometimes the place is packed, and other times you might be the only one there. The vibe is reminiscent of a Vegas Lounge act. The drink of choice is the grasshopper – dirt cheap. There’s a whole lotta taxidermy going on. One thing's for sure - the scene is always cookin’ at the Red Fox and it'll get you so randy that you and your date will want to go out to your hot rod to play a little backseat bingo.

If you ask enough people about Mark and Lorna, the subject of the Culp’s is bound to come up. That’s because Orlando’s musical duo has many striking similarities to the couple from the Saturday Night Live skit starring Will Ferrell and Ana Gasteyer.

Online rumors pinpoint the Culp’s as the creation of Paula Pell, an SNL writer and former Orlando resident who may have seen Mark and Lorna’s act while living here as an actress.

Whether or not they are the inspiration for a legendary TV comedy skit is irrelevant - what matters is that Mark and Lorna have ultra-hip friends like Wayne Newton and Reuben Kincaid from the Partridge Family.

Where in the world is the word "world"? EVERYWHERE, in Orlando.

But no sign of World-O-Suds yet.

Thanks to Bailey, Drake & Tiny and Danny & Judi for the pics!

I think this might be a publicity stunt for a new Orlando attraction

If this news story from Local 6 is to be believed, the guy below convinced a woman in Ohio that he was an employee of the Department of Homeland Security.

Lured in by his power, the two started dating. Two months after that, she started having trouble with her baby daddy, and the agent informed her she would have to be relocated to Orlando, per Witness Protection Program rules. So, of course, she packed up the kids and moved to Kissimmee where they all hid out, happily, until the special agent cut all the lights and tried to stab the woman.

I'm suspicious - after all, the top-secret government agent thing really is the only untapped concept left in Orlando. It would make a great thrill ride, with theme park employees dressed in black suits and dark glasses. Or maybe a hotel? How about a restaurant where Race Rock used to be?

World's Record for the Word "World"

Thanks to Tom Scherberger at the St. Pete Times who wrote up Tacky Fabulous in his “Bizarre Florida” blog, and also emailed to ask about the status of Hubcap World. Sadly, it has gone the way of Xanadu: Home of the Future, but it got me thinking about the one thing Orlando does better than any other city: putting the word “world” in business names.


Here’s your chance to join in the fun with the “It’s a World of World’s After All” Game. You can play this as a drinking game, or sober - just be on the lookout for businesses that have the word “World” in their names, and then send your photos here to be part of the World’s Largest Word “World” Photo Collection. Here are some places to watch for (and yes, they are all real):

Clock World, Air Conditioning World, Flea World, World Class Hammocks, Gibson Truck World, Give Kids the World, Disney’s Wide World of Sports, Shell World, World Quest Resort, World of Denim, Bargain World, Big Bargain World, Big Bargain World Inc #3, Christmas World, World of Dry Cleaners, World Bowling Center, World of Orchids, Sheraton World Center, World-o-Suds, Flag World, Rental World, Spice World, Costume World, Battery World, Bingo World, Buckle World, Best of British Soccer World (it’s a restaurant, of course), Cellular World, Fantasy World, Cost Plus World Market, Chevrolet World, Church World, World of Alterations, World of Coffee, Sign World, Camping World, Cap World, Alaska Yukon World Showcase of Orlando, Nurse World, A Tot’s World, Mailbox World, Luggage World, Magnet World, Wayne’s World of Antiques, Ski World, Mello’s World of Beauty, Tilly’s World of Jeans, Madge Elaine’s World of Entertainment.

If this goes well, we’ll play again with the word dollar.

first photo courtesy of http://www.goorlandocard.com/

Orlando is the Epicenter for "Wrap Rage"

Hooray - the Associated Press used Orlando experts for a big post-Christmas story, which means we are super-smart, compared with the rest of the country, about some important topic!

The topic is "wrap rage."

You know - that overwhelming sense of anger you feel when you have to poke and tear through 6 layers of packaging before you get to the gift. Some of our locals have had to deal with broken teeth, bloodied hands and an increase in blood pressure just trying to get Barbie out of her cardboard/plastic prison.

One Orlando resident is quoted in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch article about her use of tools (like wire-cutters) to unwrap holiday gifts....Next, a Deltona Grandmother discusses some of the psychological ramifications that go along with not being able to get a package open for an eager child....An Oviedo man talks about a Christmas Day "knife as a box-opener" incident gone bad... Another Orlando woman chimes in about her willingness to pay more for unpackaged items...and then, out come the big guns: the medical director for Florida Hospital CentraCare offers up advice about using scissors instead of cutlery or weapons to open gifts.

photo courtesy of http://www.usernomics.com/

I Think We Hold the World's Record for World's Records

Central Florida is home to the “biggest, fastest, longest, loudest, heaviest, and tallest” of just about everything. In a somewhat ironic twist, the Guinness World Records Experience attraction only had a 2 year-run in Orlando, but on the bright side, we’ll forever be known for these accomplishments:

The World’s first Olive Garden restaurant, the largest photo album, and the person who has juggled the most objects at once. We are home to the record for fastest drumming, furthest distance thrown in a car accident (118 feet – he lived!), the fastest time for carving a face into a pumpkin, the largest numismatic auction, (over 77 million dollars in coins – silly me, I thought numismatists were people with bad allergies!), most tater tots consumed in 5 minutes (250) and the world’s largest stormwater pollution prevention convention (mark your calendars - that rowdy crowd will be in Orlando in August 2008).

On a sad note, we cannot boast the world’s largest kazoo band, however, we can proudly say we are home to the man who discovered the largest known prime number (It’s 895,932 digits long – perhaps you want to double check his work for accuracy).

Photo courtesy of automotoportal.com

The real meaning of Christmas

Every year, the town of Christmas, Florida is bombarded with people who want to have their holiday cards stamped with the "Christmas Florida" postmark. Since that order of business is now wrapped up for another year, the locals can focus on the REALLY important stuff - namely, playing host to the World's Largest Fake Alligator.

Here's Swampy - the star attraction at Jungle Adventures. He's 200 feet long plus one inch (I've always been told a guy should get credit for every inch). In addition to being the World's Largest Gator, Swampy is Florida's Longest Roadside attraction. He's pretty special.

But, that's not all...at Jungle Adventures, you can ride the Jungle Swamp Queen River Boat, watch Jungle Jim's Gator Wranglin', and see the Jumpin' Gator Jamboree. I'm sure it wouldn't surprise you to know there are gator feedings, but let's be honest - those are about as common as parades in Orlando.

Here's another nice touch - at Jungle Adventures, they don't just put the gators on display throughout the park - they also sell them in the gift shop as belts, money clips and suspenders.

If you can't visit in person, please promise me you'll visit their website, which has the most tacky fabulous greeting you'll ever hear from a computer-generated gator. Quite high-tech!

photos courtesy of http://www.spacecoastweb.org/ and Jungle Adventures

I must have been a very good girl this year!

Just look at what Santa brought me...

...and I don't even smoke! (I am thinking of taking up the habit now that I have this fantastic ashtray)

Bonus "tacky fabulous" points for leaving the price tags on.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Merry Christmas...and don't forget to bundle up tonight!

Even though it's Florida, it sure can get cold. Luckily, Bealls saves the day with festive holiday sweaters! The vest is a nice daytime option.

I'm dreaming of a Cold War Christmas...

So, you've done Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party, "The Makaliki Christmas Luau" at Sea World, and the Orlando Gay Men's Choir "Don We Now Our Gay Apparel" show, and you're thinking there's nothing left in town for holiday fun. Well, guess again! Might I suggest the following lesser known Central Florida events of the season:

The Cold War: Bomb Shelter Boutique at the Maitland Historical & Telephone Museum (Bomb shelters, crafts, and other relics of the 1950s and 1960s)...The Holiday Hypnosis Show at CityJazz...Gong Show Karaoke at Adobe Gila's...A Pirate's Christmas Dinner Adventure....and the Tools as Art Exhibit at The Terrace Gallery/Orlando City Hall.




"Tools as Art" photo courtesy of http://www.joslyn.org/