Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Thank Goodness for Fred - he's the concierge at the Parliament House, on-call to answer all my stupid questions. Like the other day, when I read about 500 gay softball players that are slated to be in town on the weekend of January 19.
So, I emailed Fred and asked him, "What does it really mean when you talk about 'watching 500 gay SOFTBALL players'?" Is it some sort of underground party? A filthy orgy-esque kind of thing? How deviant, in our "family-oriented" city! Is it even legal?
Fred politely responded with: "It means there will be 500 people at a park participating in a softball game for charity."
Well, hopefully things will start to get crazy when Gay Days rolls around because in the words of the great Homer Simpson, "I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals FLAMING!"
Dang it! Dolly Parton's Dixie Stampede has closed.
I think Fark.com has done a great job of summing up this Orlando tragedy: "Dolly Parton's Dixie Stampede abruptly closes. No word why, but it's probably because management were boobs and didn't keep abreast of the fact that they were accumulating huge mounds of debt."
Parton me, there is one other thing to add...now that they've said ta-ta, what are they going to do with all the jugs of moonshine?
Photo from Orlando Sentinel/Gary Green
Monday, January 7, 2008
Who better to pick the most tacky fabulous place to stay in Orlando than Len Testa, co-author of "The Unofficial Guide to Walt Disney World"? Len brings this to the table:
Sunday, January 6, 2008
First, we found out your friends have crabs there...then the discovery that a "lust cash transactor" was taking care of biz...and now word that the Mills/Nebraska area was once home to the World's Largest Board.
Here's the deal: The board used to be outside Mills Nebraska Lumber. Mills Nebraska Lumber is now called Mills Nebraska Door and Trim...and it's not located on Mills or Nebraska - it's on Regent Street (huh?) According to the receptionist, the board made the move with them to the new address. (I swear, I called!)
photo courtesy of World's Largest Roadside Attraction
Saturday, January 5, 2008
I wasn't really convinced until I visited their website, but now I have to admit, it does seem to have all the necessary components for a tacky fabulous bar: It's in Kissimmee...in a motel...they've got karaoke...and a stripper pole. I also like the fact that they've posted all the details about their upcoming Christmas party (today is January 5)...only one person has signed the guest book...and their photo page of "regulars" includes a woman holding a sleeping baby.
Count me in!
photo #2 courtesy of Whiskey River
Friday, January 4, 2008
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
We are in the fight of our lives here in Orlando for the designation of "The City Beautiful" (Kiss off, Coral Gables!) As such, we have no tolerance for that hideous sight of people reclining on park benches. ICK! In fact, sleeping in foliage has become such an epidemic in our city that lawmakers have been forced to pass an ordinance and erect signs at Lake Eola to deal with the problem.
I know - you're saying to yourself, "But wait a second! Didn't Orlando hover near record high rates for murders in the year 2007? Shouldn't there be a sign, instead, that reads: "Please do not impale with bullets or otherwise inflict death blows on other beings?" The answer is yes, but people who commit homicides tend to start as people who recline on park benches. It's textbook.
Wildfires? Nope. Hurricane? Nah. Tornado? Nada.
Temperatures in the low 20's tonight...Duck! Run! Take Cover, says Governor Crist.
Thanks to Brighthouse 13 for the tips on recognizing hypothermia, tips for recognizing hypothermia in canines and felines, tips for recognizing hypothermia in senior citizens, advice for dressing in cold weather ("Tip #1: wear a hat"), space heater safety advice, a reminder to clean the chimney, and a video titled, "Preparing for the Worst."
RIP, Big Bamboo Lounge in Kissimmee.
"The Boo" was the best bar in Central Florida, if not the world. When I was living in Orlando for my stint with the Disney College Program, it was THE place to go for an after-work drink. I celebrated my 21st birthday there...I made out with my boss in the parking lot there...and I think I might have tinkled behind my car because the bathrooms weren't working. (By the way, that was all in the same night).
In later years, The Big Bamboo went high-tech, adding a TV that got 2 channels. They served beer nuts and chips, and the bartenders would let you order-in pizza if you got really hungry. It was a great place for a pick-up game of chess or Trivial Pursuit. They didn't take credit cards. There was no air-conditioning.
It opened in 1977, suffered severe damage in the hurricanes of 2004, and died after a fire in 2005. I think it's a Publix grocery store now.
(photos courtesy of the Big Bamboo fansite and the Big Bamboo's myspace page)
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Wait a second...wouldn't you need an extra arm to drive your motorcycle and do "THAT" at the same time?
Monday, December 31, 2007
Sunday, December 30, 2007
If Austin Powers ever takes an Orlando vacation, he'll certainly agree the Red Fox Lounge is radioactive, baby. Take my word for it – The Fox is the grooviest place in Central Florida and the most fun you can have in a motel bar.
I went again to see Mark & Lorna last night. They've been performing at the Red Fox Lounge every Tuesday through Saturday for the past 16 years; they’ve been married for thirty-five. The lounge is a small room in the Best Western Mount Vernon on 17-92 in Winter Park. Lorna sings and Mark plays a mean synthesizer. The audience is encouraged to join in (but let’s face it, when Mark belts out “Sweet Caroline,” who needs an invitation?)
The crowd is random and on any given night you might find yourself next to college students or veterans of the Korean War. Sometimes the place is packed, and other times you might be the only one there. The vibe is reminiscent of a Vegas Lounge act. The drink of choice is the grasshopper – dirt cheap. There’s a whole lotta taxidermy going on. One thing's for sure - the scene is always cookin’ at the Red Fox and it'll get you so randy that you and your date will want to go out to your hot rod to play a little backseat bingo.
If you ask enough people about Mark and Lorna, the subject of the Culp’s is bound to come up. That’s because Orlando’s musical duo has many striking similarities to the couple from the Saturday Night Live skit starring Will Ferrell and Ana Gasteyer.
Online rumors pinpoint the Culp’s as the creation of Paula Pell, an SNL writer and former Orlando resident who may have seen Mark and Lorna’s act while living here as an actress.
Whether or not they are the inspiration for a legendary TV comedy skit is irrelevant - what matters is that Mark and Lorna have ultra-hip friends like Wayne Newton and Reuben Kincaid from the Partridge Family.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Friday, December 28, 2007
If this news story from Local 6 is to be believed, the guy below convinced a woman in Ohio that he was an employee of the Department of Homeland Security.
Lured in by his power, the two started dating. Two months after that, she started having trouble with her baby daddy, and the agent informed her she would have to be relocated to Orlando, per Witness Protection Program rules. So, of course, she packed up the kids and moved to Kissimmee where they all hid out, happily, until the special agent cut all the lights and tried to stab the woman.
I'm suspicious - after all, the top-secret government agent thing really is the only untapped concept left in Orlando. It would make a great thrill ride, with theme park employees dressed in black suits and dark glasses. Or maybe a hotel? How about a restaurant where Race Rock used to be?
Thanks to Tom Scherberger at the St. Pete Times who wrote up Tacky Fabulous in his “Bizarre Florida” blog, and also emailed to ask about the status of Hubcap World. Sadly, it has gone the way of Xanadu: Home of the Future, but it got me thinking about the one thing Orlando does better than any other city: putting the word “world” in business names.
Here’s your chance to join in the fun with the “It’s a World of World’s After All” Game. You can play this as a drinking game, or sober - just be on the lookout for businesses that have the word “World” in their names, and then send your photos here to be part of the World’s Largest Word “World” Photo Collection. Here are some places to watch for (and yes, they are all real):
Clock World, Air Conditioning World, Flea World, World Class Hammocks, Gibson Truck World, Give Kids the World, Disney’s Wide World of Sports, Shell World, World Quest Resort, World of Denim, Bargain World, Big Bargain World, Big Bargain World Inc #3, Christmas World, World of Dry Cleaners, World Bowling Center, World of Orchids, Sheraton World Center, World-o-Suds, Flag World, Rental World, Spice World, Costume World, Battery World, Bingo World, Buckle World, Best of British Soccer World (it’s a restaurant, of course), Cellular World, Fantasy World, Cost Plus World Market, Chevrolet World, Church World, World of Alterations, World of Coffee, Sign World, Camping World, Cap World, Alaska Yukon World Showcase of Orlando, Nurse World, A Tot’s World, Mailbox World, Luggage World, Magnet World, Wayne’s World of Antiques, Ski World, Mello’s World of Beauty, Tilly’s World of Jeans, Madge Elaine’s World of Entertainment.
If this goes well, we’ll play again with the word dollar.
first photo courtesy of http://www.goorlandocard.com/
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Hooray - the Associated Press used Orlando experts for a big post-Christmas story, which means we are super-smart, compared with the rest of the country, about some important topic!
The topic is "wrap rage."
You know - that overwhelming sense of anger you feel when you have to poke and tear through 6 layers of packaging before you get to the gift. Some of our locals have had to deal with broken teeth, bloodied hands and an increase in blood pressure just trying to get Barbie out of her cardboard/plastic prison.
One Orlando resident is quoted in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch article about her use of tools (like wire-cutters) to unwrap holiday gifts....Next, a Deltona Grandmother discusses some of the psychological ramifications that go along with not being able to get a package open for an eager child....An Oviedo man talks about a Christmas Day "knife as a box-opener" incident gone bad... Another Orlando woman chimes in about her willingness to pay more for unpackaged items...and then, out come the big guns: the medical director for Florida Hospital CentraCare offers up advice about using scissors instead of cutlery or weapons to open gifts.
The World’s first Olive Garden restaurant, the largest photo album, and the person who has juggled the most objects at once. We are home to the record for fastest drumming, furthest distance thrown in a car accident (118 feet – he lived!), the fastest time for carving a face into a pumpkin, the largest numismatic auction, (over 77 million dollars in coins – silly me, I thought numismatists were people with bad allergies!), most tater tots consumed in 5 minutes (250) and the world’s largest stormwater pollution prevention convention (mark your calendars - that rowdy crowd will be in Orlando in August 2008).
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Every year, the town of Christmas, Florida is bombarded with people who want to have their holiday cards stamped with the "Christmas Florida" postmark. Since that order of business is now wrapped up for another year, the locals can focus on the REALLY important stuff - namely, playing host to the World's Largest Fake Alligator.
If you can't visit in person, please promise me you'll visit their website, which has the most tacky fabulous greeting you'll ever hear from a computer-generated gator. Quite high-tech!
photos courtesy of http://www.spacecoastweb.org/ and Jungle Adventures
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Monday, December 24, 2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
So, you've done Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party, "The Makaliki Christmas Luau" at Sea World, and the Orlando Gay Men's Choir "Don We Now Our Gay Apparel" show, and you're thinking there's nothing left in town for holiday fun. Well, guess again! Might I suggest the following lesser known Central Florida events of the season:
The Cold War: Bomb Shelter Boutique at the Maitland Historical & Telephone Museum (Bomb shelters, crafts, and other relics of the 1950s and 1960s)...The Holiday Hypnosis Show at CityJazz...Gong Show Karaoke at Adobe Gila's...A Pirate's Christmas Dinner Adventure....and the Tools as Art Exhibit at The Terrace Gallery/Orlando City Hall.
"Tools as Art" photo courtesy of http://www.joslyn.org/