Orlando's "No Fun" Zone

It’s hard to imagine an Orlando vacation that doesn’t revolve around drugs and hookers, but I’m sorry to tell you it just isn’t going to happen anymore at the intersection of Parramore and Colonial.

That’s the bad news.

The good news is that the most experienced and cost-effective prostitutes can be found just a few miles down the road on South Orange Blossom Trail. I checked, and there’s not a sign to be found, so we can only assume it’s a hooker-friendly area.

Fashion, fashion everywhere!

Raise your hand if you know where the fashion district is. If you said “New York” you can put your hand down, dummy. The correct answer is Orlando – South Orange Blossom Trail, to be exact. On any given day you might see Donatella Versace or Ralph Lauren checking out the latest trends in lycra - the staple of Orlando chic.

And no, it’s not just one store. See? It’s fashion!

Move over Family Man, there's a new fat guy in town...and he's hairy.

I think somebody's been to the Family Auto Mart's ad agency, because I see an Orlando automotive marketing strategy that looks pretty familiar. Let's go to the videotape:

Zany spokesperson - Check! Ladies and gentlemen - I present "The Big Diggler"

Clever Motto - Check! "Junk in the Trunk" (or is that the name of the business?)


Uncomfortable Dance - Check! Enjoy it here.


"Unbelievable, never-before-seen specials!!!" - Check! In fact, I just saw a spot for a "Back to School" sale yesterday - January 14. The lack of fresh content must have something to do with the writer's strike - everybody's suffering, even the Big Diggler.
Late night TV show - Check! (Am I the only person in this town who doesn't have a TV show?)


So now I ask you, Orlando business owners, how ya gonna top this?

Words to live by...from an Orlando legend

"Women in bands are always trouble!"

--Mark Wayne, of "Mark and Lorna" fame (in a 1992 Orlando Sentinel interview)

Hola and Welcome to Chang's Chinese Grocery, Klaus will be preparing your taxes today...

"Welcome," says Mame Diara or as they say in Swahili – "Bienvenidos!" Or is it "Auf Wiedersen"? No...no...wait...it's "Au revoir."

At any rate, when you visit Orlando, don't forget to stop by this authentic African store on the Orange Blossom Trail. Ay, Chihuahua - they've got some great ox tail. And yes, of course, they'll do your taxes, silly!

"Hey U.S. Army - your bombs are in my yard..."

"No," (says U.S. Army) "YOUR YARD is on our bombs."

Here's the full story, but more importantly, this reminds me of one of the most tacky fabulous commercials ever.

photo courtesy of Central Florida News 13

Since you can't wear those tacky fab pants anymore, can I borrow them?

Wear these Playboy pants to school in Kissimmee, and you'll get two days suspension.

This is the preferred outfit in Central Florida. School superintendent Ron Blocker is considering making it a mandatory uniform.

Photo courtesy of George Skene/Orlando Sentinel and Lil Princess Tea Parties

If you're craving an orange but you also need a new car, why make two stops?

Save time by heading over to "Tami Auto Sale" on Orange Blossom Trail where they've got a sale on roses, citrus...and they are hiring experienced mechanics.

I'll take my Mickey Mouseburger medium-rare, please.

If an image of the Virgin Mary can turn up on a grilled cheese sandwich, is it inconceivable to think your goldfish's tail bears a striking resemblance to Mickey Mouse?

Ask Steve Barrett - he's the guy who spends his life tracking down those hard to find mouse ears. He's got a book and a blog about the "Hidden Mickey's" of Orlando. Here's a great one he sent us - the CD cover of No Doubt's "Tragic Kingdom". Can you see it...Can you? Can you?

If not, here's one that's a little less difficult...just check your grocer's freezer!

Fish photo from Tropical Fish International

Burger photo from Here

Most Tacky Fabulous Uniform in Orlando

This is almost an impossible category because of the huge number of contenders, but let's at least consider a few - after all, where else but in Central Florida does somebody get up in the morning and put this on before they punch in?

When I was working at Disney during college, I whined and complained about the polyester shirts and pleated pants that were required of all "Backstage Studio Tour Guides." What can I say - I'm a Jersey chick and I wanted something shorter and tighter with a few rhinestones to bling it up. My bosses, instead, transferred me to the Muppetvision 3D attraction, where I really had something to bitch about - while donning a lab coat, goggles, green painter's cap and the standard-issue orange high tops.

Moving on to Exhibit B - Here's a cast member at the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique. They're the ones who doll-up little girls to look like fairy princesses. (In the name of research, I called and found out there is no maximum age for the makeover and photo shoot - so my appointment is next Thursday after my pole-dancing aerobics class!)

By the way, if you'd like to dress like a Disney ride attendant, food services worker or monorail operator in the privacy of your own home, there is somebody on eBay actually selling these hot items.

photos courtesy of: (in order) www.arondaparks.com/ and www.markwenzel.com/ and somebody's vacation, and the aforementioned somebody on ebay.

But can you barf a Monet?

Nothing says Sunday quite like church, brunch and pictures of puke!

This Sunday's "only in Orlando" event is brought to you by the Back Booth Bar downtown. It's called "Super Happy Fun Time." Let's all sync our watches because the "vomit art" exhibit opens at 6pm.

If you're not sold on the idea, let me add a little somethin-somethin' to the mix: According to the listing in the Orlando Weekly, the event will feature "bathroom audio installations of pre-recorded conversations, bowels and heaving." Not normally my idea of entertainment, and I'm not even sure what it means, but isn't it about time we all started thinking beyond the theme parks?

Keep in mind folks, culture doesn't come easy or free in Orlando, so this experience is gonna cost you three hard earned bucks.

photo courtesy of katharine tillman: villanelle.org

Insider Tip #67: When visiting Lake Eola, DO NOT LOOK UP!

While I sincerely appreciate the warning from Orlando city officials, I think most of us realize when we venture out into the open air, we face the possibility of falling victim to "bird droppings."

Unless, of course, this sign refers to the fact that the birds, themselves, are dropping...which presents an entirely different safety issue, altogether.

Judging from the look of the it, though, the birds were lining up to be the first to christen it.

When they say "500 Gay Softball Players," they mean "500 Gay Softball Players"

If you don't have the guts to visit the gay landmark/resort that is the Parliament House, that's OK - you can feel almost as naughty just visiting their website. I love the pics and all the fun events they have listed, although I have to admit, as a straight Mom in the 'burbs, I sometimes need to enlist the help of a gay translator.

Thank Goodness for Fred - he's the concierge at the Parliament House, on-call to answer all my stupid questions. Like the other day, when I read about 500 gay softball players that are slated to be in town on the weekend of January 19.

"Wait a second," I said to myself, "I get it - that's some kind of gay play on words. Soft-ball players...heh heh." I have a dirty side, you know; I'm not naive.

So, I emailed Fred and asked him, "What does it really mean when you talk about 'watching 500 gay SOFTBALL players'?" Is it some sort of underground party? A filthy orgy-esque kind of thing? How deviant, in our "family-oriented" city! Is it even legal?

Fred politely responded with: "It means there will be 500 people at a park participating in a softball game for charity."

Oh. OK.

Well, hopefully things will start to get crazy when Gay Days rolls around because in the words of the great Homer Simpson, "I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals FLAMING!"

The end of an era - No place left to watch ostrich racing in Orlando

Dang it! Dolly Parton's Dixie Stampede has closed.





I think Fark.com has done a great job of summing up this Orlando tragedy: "Dolly Parton's Dixie Stampede abruptly closes. No word why, but it's probably because management were boobs and didn't keep abreast of the fact that they were accumulating huge mounds of debt."


Parton me, there is one other thing to add...now that they've said ta-ta, what are they going to do with all the jugs of moonshine?

Photo from Orlando Sentinel/Gary Green

Live like royalty!

Who better to pick the most tacky fabulous place to stay in Orlando than Len Testa, co-author of "The Unofficial Guide to Walt Disney World"? Len brings this to the table:

It's the Magic Castle Inn on 192 in Kissimmee. On the plus side, rates start at $39 and they usually have rooms available. On the downside, this fortress is right next door to Harry's House of Helitours, so the din of not-so-distant choppers makes it tough to grab a nap or a romantic afternoon quickie.

Back to the plus column - a very jovial staff. When Len asked if the pool was heated, the person at the front desk responded with "Yes, by the sun." She gets a lot of mileage out of that joke, I presume.

In the negative column - The castle is so...you know...purple.

They do have a website, but I want to remind you that things (and people) always look better in online profiles, so don't get too worked up about the Magic Castle Inn, based on what you see here. This is the photo they've posted on their site to give you an idea of what their toilets look like. I have to say, they do look a lot like the bathrooms you find in all the best castles in Europe. The bidet is just out of view in this shot.

Who knew Mills Ave was such a hotbed for important stuff?!

First, we found out your friends have crabs there...then the discovery that a "lust cash transactor" was taking care of biz...and now word that the Mills/Nebraska area was once home to the World's Largest Board.
Here's the deal: The board used to be outside Mills Nebraska Lumber. Mills Nebraska Lumber is now called Mills Nebraska Door and Trim...and it's not located on Mills or Nebraska - it's on Regent Street (huh?) According to the receptionist, the board made the move with them to the new address. (I swear, I called!)

photo courtesy of World's Largest Roadside Attraction

Receiving more accolades than the latest Coppola flick...

Rob sent me an email me that contained just three simple words...words that conjure up incredible images in the minds of all Central Floridians.

Family...Auto...Mart

I was trying to figure out how to describe these guys, for those of you who aren't in the Orlando TV viewing area and haven't been lucky enough to bear witness to the owner being harnessed to the front of a sleigh during the holiday season. Suffice it to say, the brothers from Family Auto Mart are a visual product, best enjoyed on a late night bender.

Fortunately, their website is as tacky fabulous as their TV spots.

OK, so where to begin?

They have merchandise, a fan club (with photos from an autograph signing), a CD, a bio that reads longer than War and Peace (without a spell-checker), an instructional video (so you can do the "Family Man Dance" at home), and a great motto which is clearly the work of a fancy ad agency ("Kiss me in Kissimmee!"). Oh, and I think they sell cars, too.

In a style that can only be described as "the Family Man writing in the third person," the history of Family Auto Mart is chronicled in one looooooong page with phrases like, "in his wisdom, the Family Man knew..." and "everyone wants to know how he did it, how he came up with all the hilarious ideas!"

And...

"His different ideas for TV and print advertising gave the Family Man notoriety and fame, not only in Melbourne or Central Florida, but also in the entire country"..."the response was phenomenal"..."cult following"..."fame"..."hilarious"..."shaping the future for this thriving business"..."made it what it is today"..."legendary"

The 30 minute infomercials are described as "The most exciting half-hour on television!" You decide

The only thing better than a Whiskey River in Kissimmee is a Lake of Vodka in St. Cloud

After waxing nostalgic last week about the Big Bamboo Lounge, I heard from several people who tipped me off to a new place down the road from the fomer Boo that's home to a whole lot of redneck fun. It's called "Whiskey River."

I wasn't really convinced until I visited their website, but now I have to admit, it does seem to have all the necessary components for a tacky fabulous bar: It's in Kissimmee...in a motel...they've got karaoke...and a stripper pole. I also like the fact that they've posted all the details about their upcoming Christmas party (today is January 5)...only one person has signed the guest book...and their photo page of "regulars" includes a woman holding a sleeping baby.

Count me in!

photo #2 courtesy of Whiskey River

On a mission from God

Carving scriptures on tablets of stone is out...Writing messages in the sky on behalf of Jesus is in!

You know how you think your family is normal until you get out into the real-world and discover otherwise? The same can be said for Orlando. Most locals don't even blink when there is a happy face being drawn in the sky in the name of the heavenly father, and we only notice something is amiss when we head outside city limits and God doesn't communicate with us via plane exhaust anymore.

That happened to me last month in New Orleans when I looked up and things seemed pretty bare. "Where are the sky messages?" I asked, and everybody looked at me like I was crazy. Apparently, in New Orleans, they only have clouds in the sky and some occasional planes. No smileys. Weird!

I'm fascinated with the Disney-area skywriting - in particular, how much money it costs to spread the good word with the ever-rising cost of fuel. According to Boing Boing it's all the work of a group called Holy Smoke. So, keep that in mind on Sunday when you head out to church. While you sit in the pew inconspicuously watching your Blackberry, there's a modern day spiritual warrior doing triple Lindy's in his airplane for his creator. Kind of makes your $5 offering seem a little insignificant, hey?

(photo courtesy of Cory Doctorow)

Why not spend your vacation running naked on a treadmill?

There are very few things I'd like less than paddling around naked with my parents in a canoe. Not only is it NOT my idea of a vacation, it is the stuff nightmares are made of.

But I might be alone in that sentiment because there are plenty of families making the trek to Cypress Cove Nudist Resort for sun, fun and bare buns.

If you agree that "Clothing can lock us into expected roles and behaviors, contributing to the tensions of daily life," this just might be the place for you. But before you pack-up the...well, I guess you wouldn't have to pack-up anything...But, for those of you who are thinking of visiting, please be familiar with the rules:

For starters, polite nudists always carry towels for sitting on. In other words, it's rude to bare ass everywhere you go. That would include dining at the clothing-free restaurant, "Cheeks". Doesn't it look so romantique in a 70's porn kind of way?

Secondly, according to the FAQ section of the website, single males must have "a formal nudist background." Translation: horny dudes can't just show up at the door, park ass on a lounge chair and start ogling. You need proof of experience in the field of public nudity, which could include a nudie membership card or receipts from other nudist clubs. (I swear!) I'm sure if you've had any sort of specialized training, college coursework or professional development classes in nakedness, that would count too.

Also, you have to be buck ass naked at the pool and the gym. No exceptions!

The gift shop is called the Fig Leaf Boutique. They have great hats.

The Spa is called Nature Hair. 15% off pubic services on Wacky Wednesday. (OK, I'm lying about the specials)

Cypress Cove is affiliated with a group called "Bare Buns Bikers." Wanna see a bare buns biker? You know you do! (Hey buddy, where is your towel?!)

All photos courtesy of Cypress Cove

Somebody must have tried the "I wasn't laying down - I was just positioned horizontally" excuse

We are in the fight of our lives here in Orlando for the designation of "The City Beautiful" (Kiss off, Coral Gables!) As such, we have no tolerance for that hideous sight of people reclining on park benches. ICK! In fact, sleeping in foliage has become such an epidemic in our city that lawmakers have been forced to pass an ordinance and erect signs at Lake Eola to deal with the problem.

I know - you're saying to yourself, "But wait a second! Didn't Orlando hover near record high rates for murders in the year 2007? Shouldn't there be a sign, instead, that reads: "Please do not impale with bullets or otherwise inflict death blows on other beings?" The answer is yes, but people who commit homicides tend to start as people who recline on park benches. It's textbook.

It's a state of emergency, y'all!

Wildfires? Nope. Hurricane? Nah. Tornado? Nada.

Temperatures in the low 20's tonight...Duck! Run! Take Cover, says Governor Crist.

Thanks to Brighthouse 13 for the tips on recognizing hypothermia, tips for recognizing hypothermia in canines and felines, tips for recognizing hypothermia in senior citizens, advice for dressing in cold weather ("Tip #1: wear a hat"), space heater safety advice, a reminder to clean the chimney, and a video titled, "Preparing for the Worst."

Gone, but not forgotten...

I still find myself thinking about it all the time - with the Christmas tree that stayed up year-round...the beers served in Mason jars...the walls decorated in shirts, name tags, and foreign money...and the military ambulance/watchtower out front.

RIP, Big Bamboo Lounge in Kissimmee.

"The Boo" was the best bar in Central Florida, if not the world. When I was living in Orlando for my stint with the Disney College Program, it was THE place to go for an after-work drink. I celebrated my 21st birthday there...I made out with my boss in the parking lot there...and I think I might have tinkled behind my car because the bathrooms weren't working. (By the way, that was all in the same night).

In later years, The Big Bamboo went high-tech, adding a TV that got 2 channels. They served beer nuts and chips, and the bartenders would let you order-in pizza if you got really hungry. It was a great place for a pick-up game of chess or Trivial Pursuit. They didn't take credit cards. There was no air-conditioning.

It opened in 1977, suffered severe damage in the hurricanes of 2004, and died after a fire in 2005. I think it's a Publix grocery store now.

(photos courtesy of the Big Bamboo fansite and the Big Bamboo's myspace page)

Wait a second...wouldn't you need an extra arm to drive your motorcycle and do "THAT" at the same time?

Some pervs are also great multi-taskers - like this Central Floridian who decided not to gratify himself in the comfort of his own home, but opted, instead, to do it while driving his motorcycle.

photo courtesy of Local 6 WKMG.

Is he a pimp?

Tell me, please, is someone who deals in "Lust Cash Transactions" the same thing as a "Love Broker?" A trader of sexual commodities? A merchant of passion? The liaison for copulative relations? A commissioner of sinful delight?

This biz, ironically, is located on Mills Avenue, right near your friends who have crabs.

Happy New Year!

The Grande Masque Ball was held last night at the Gaylord Palms. You can tell it's a super-swanky event because organizers put an "e" at the end of "Grand" and spell "Mask" all frenchy. Tickets are $800 per couple, which benefits the Orlando Opera, the Orlando Philharmonic Orchestra and the Orlando Ballet. (Do we have these already or is the money being spent to start up the programs?)

I couldn't make it, though, because I wasn't invited AND because we had our 6th annual New Year's Eve bash in my neighborhood and we really rolled it out!

There was a big fireworks display.

There was a construction-paper-chain-on-lawn exhibit (for those of you who don't have an appreciation or understanding of art - that says "2008").

In addition to Blueberry Martinis and Peppermint Cosmos, there was a great food spread.

If this is a sign of what's to come for 2008, I think it's going to be a very good year!

Lights out and nightie night for the Knights...

Mike emailed to ask why I didn't mention anything about the Knights. I guess, like everybody else here, I'm trying to forget about Saturday's game against Mississippi.

I have to admit, I did contract Knight fever this year. I know, I know...I'm a fair-weather fan, jumping on board in a season when UCF had a record 11 wins (7 consecutive!) with games held in a plush new stadium.

I went to the Ragin Cajun game with my neighbors, Jeff and Mary who are the biggest UCF fans ever - in fact, they are still in Memphis at this very moment, recovering from the Liberty Bowl. Jeff and Mary haven't' taken a break from tailgating since graduating in the late 80's. They hit it hard with their fellow alums in the parking lot of Brighthouse Stadium - section F7. This group is all about EXTREME tailgating...even the food is themed around that day's match-up (it was a seafood boil for the game against Louisiana and I really enjoyed the "Ain't Nothing but a Hound Dog Bites" for the Mempis game). Their group doesn't do paper plates, aluminum foil or ziploc bags. They drink a lot of Michelob (Light!). On the day I tagged along, we got there at 9am and left at 10pm. By the way, did I mention Tom and Stacey McNamara and their 43 foot Black & Gold RV? No joke.

Photo courtesy of this.

STD pride in O-town.

Don't worry - it's all cool - nothing to be ashamed of. Some of my very best friends have crabs too! Although they don't work in restaurants.

I don't just preach the tacky fab lifestyle - I live it.

this photo from the Orlando Sentinel


If Austin Powers ever takes an Orlando vacation, he'll certainly agree the Red Fox Lounge is radioactive, baby. Take my word for it – The Fox is the grooviest place in Central Florida and the most fun you can have in a motel bar. I was introduced to this hidden treasure by a guy who was trying to win me over on a first date; now it’s my absolute favorite night out.

I went again last night too see Mark & Lorna. They've been performing at the Red Fox Lounge every Tuesday through Saturday for the past 16 years; they’ve been married for thirty-five. The lounge is a small room in the Best Western Mount Vernon on 17-92 in Winter Park. Lorna sings and Mark plays synthesizer. The audience is encouraged to join in (but let’s face it, when Mark belts out “Sweet Caroline,” who needs an invitation?)

The crowd is random and on any given night you might find yourself next to college students or veterans of the Korean War. Sometimes the place is packed…other times you might be the only one there. The vibe is reminiscent of a Vegas Lounge act. The drink of choice is the grasshopper – dirt cheap. There’s a whole lotta taxidermy going on. One thing's for sure - the scene is always cookin’ at the Red Fox and it'll get you so randy that you and your date will want to go out to your hot rod to play a little backseat bingo.

If you ask enough people about Mark and Lorna, the subject of the Culp’s is bound to come up. That’s because Orlando’s musical duo has many striking similarities to the couple from the Saturday Night Live skit starring Will Ferrell and Ana Gasteyer.

Online rumors pinpoint the Culp’s as the creation of Paula Pell, an SNL writer and former Orlando resident who may have seen Mark and Lorna’s act while living here as an actress.

Whether or not they are the inspiration for a legendary TV comedy skit is irrelevant - what matters is that Mark and Lorna have ultra-hip friends like Wayne Newton and Reuben Kincaid from the Partridge Family.
__________________________________________________________

Here are some pics from last night:

This is Chris - the former Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle/current Hollywood stuntman extraordinaire who did not take me to Caruso's. The serious look on his face is due to the fact that he doesn't joke around about his "Live at the Red Fox" CD.


Lorna was sick. Actually, I poisoned her so I could fill in. You should hear my rendition of "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy"

Where in the world is the word "world"? EVERYWHERE, in Orlando.

But no sign of World-O-Suds yet.

Thanks to Bailey, Drake & Tiny and Danny & Judi for the pics!

I think this might be a publicity stunt for a new Orlando attraction

If this news story from Local 6 is to be believed, the guy below convinced a woman in Ohio that he was an employee of the Department of Homeland Security.

Lured in by his power, the two started dating. Two months after that, she started having trouble with her baby daddy, and the agent informed her she would have to be relocated to Orlando, per Witness Protection Program rules. So, of course, she packed up the kids and moved to Kissimmee where they all hid out, happily, until the special agent cut all the lights and tried to stab the woman.

I'm suspicious - after all, the top-secret government agent thing really is the only untapped concept left in Orlando. It would make a great thrill ride, with theme park employees dressed in black suits and dark glasses. Or maybe a hotel? How about a restaurant where Race Rock used to be?

World's Record for the Word "World"

Thanks to Tom Scherberger at the St. Pete Times who wrote up Tacky Fabulous in his “Bizarre Florida” blog, and also emailed to ask about the status of Hubcap World. Sadly, it has gone the way of Xanadu: Home of the Future, but it got me thinking about the one thing Orlando does better than any other city: putting the word “world” in business names.


Here’s your chance to join in the fun with the “It’s a World of World’s After All” Game. You can play this as a drinking game, or sober - just be on the lookout for businesses that have the word “World” in their names, and then send your photos here to be part of the World’s Largest Word “World” Photo Collection. Here are some places to watch for (and yes, they are all real):

Clock World, Air Conditioning World, Flea World, World Class Hammocks, Gibson Truck World, Give Kids the World, Disney’s Wide World of Sports, Shell World, World Quest Resort, World of Denim, Bargain World, Big Bargain World, Big Bargain World Inc #3, Christmas World, World of Dry Cleaners, World Bowling Center, World of Orchids, Sheraton World Center, World-o-Suds, Flag World, Rental World, Spice World, Costume World, Battery World, Bingo World, Buckle World, Best of British Soccer World (it’s a restaurant, of course), Cellular World, Fantasy World, Cost Plus World Market, Chevrolet World, Church World, World of Alterations, World of Coffee, Sign World, Camping World, Cap World, Alaska Yukon World Showcase of Orlando, Nurse World, A Tot’s World, Mailbox World, Luggage World, Magnet World, Wayne’s World of Antiques, Ski World, Mello’s World of Beauty, Tilly’s World of Jeans, Madge Elaine’s World of Entertainment.

If this goes well, we’ll play again with the word dollar.

first photo courtesy of http://www.goorlandocard.com/

Orlando is the Epicenter for "Wrap Rage"

Hooray - the Associated Press used Orlando experts for a big post-Christmas story, which means we are super-smart, compared with the rest of the country, about some important topic!

The topic is "wrap rage."

You know - that overwhelming sense of anger you feel when you have to poke and tear through 6 layers of packaging before you get to the gift. Some of our locals have had to deal with broken teeth, bloodied hands and an increase in blood pressure just trying to get Barbie out of her cardboard/plastic prison.

One Orlando resident is quoted in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch article about her use of tools (like wire-cutters) to unwrap holiday gifts....Next, a Deltona Grandmother discusses some of the psychological ramifications that go along with not being able to get a package open for an eager child....An Oviedo man talks about a Christmas Day "knife as a box-opener" incident gone bad... Another Orlando woman chimes in about her willingness to pay more for unpackaged items...and then, out come the big guns: the medical director for Florida Hospital CentraCare offers up advice about using scissors instead of cutlery or weapons to open gifts.

photo courtesy of http://www.usernomics.com/

I Think We Hold the World's Record for World's Records

Central Florida is home to the “biggest, fastest, longest, loudest, heaviest, and tallest” of just about everything. In a somewhat ironic twist, the Guinness World Records Experience attraction only had a 2 year-run in Orlando, but on the bright side, we’ll forever be known for these accomplishments:

The World’s first Olive Garden restaurant, the largest photo album, and the person who has juggled the most objects at once. We are home to the record for fastest drumming, furthest distance thrown in a car accident (118 feet – he lived!), the fastest time for carving a face into a pumpkin, the largest numismatic auction, (over 77 million dollars in coins – silly me, I thought numismatists were people with bad allergies!), most tater tots consumed in 5 minutes (250) and the world’s largest stormwater pollution prevention convention (mark your calendars - that rowdy crowd will be in Orlando in August 2008).

On a sad note, we cannot boast the world’s largest kazoo band, however, we can proudly say we are home to the man who discovered the largest known prime number (It’s 895,932 digits long – perhaps you want to double check his work for accuracy).

Photo courtesy of automotoportal.com

The real meaning of Christmas

Every year, the town of Christmas, Florida is bombarded with people who want to have their holiday cards stamped with the "Christmas Florida" postmark. Since that order of business is now wrapped up for another year, the locals can focus on the REALLY important stuff - namely, playing host to the World's Largest Fake Alligator.

Here's Swampy - the star attraction at Jungle Adventures. He's 200 feet long plus one inch (I've always been told a guy should get credit for every inch). In addition to being the World's Largest Gator, Swampy is Florida's Longest Roadside attraction. He's pretty special.

But, that's not all...at Jungle Adventures, you can ride the Jungle Swamp Queen River Boat, watch Jungle Jim's Gator Wranglin', and see the Jumpin' Gator Jamboree. I'm sure it wouldn't surprise you to know there are gator feedings, but let's be honest - those are about as common as parades in Orlando.

Here's another nice touch - at Jungle Adventures, they don't just put the gators on display throughout the park - they also sell them in the gift shop as belts, money clips and suspenders.

If you can't visit in person, please promise me you'll visit their website, which has the most tacky fabulous greeting you'll ever hear from a computer-generated gator. Quite high-tech!

photos courtesy of http://www.spacecoastweb.org/ and Jungle Adventures

I must have been a very good girl this year!

Just look at what Santa brought me...

...and I don't even smoke! (I am thinking of taking up the habit now that I have this fantastic ashtray)

Bonus "tacky fabulous" points for leaving the price tags on.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Merry Christmas...and don't forget to bundle up tonight!

Even though it's Florida, it sure can get cold. Luckily, Bealls saves the day with festive holiday sweaters! The vest is a nice daytime option.

I'm dreaming of a Cold War Christmas...

So, you've done Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party, "The Makaliki Christmas Luau" at Sea World, and the Orlando Gay Men's Choir "Don We Now Our Gay Apparel" show, and you're thinking there's nothing left in town for holiday fun. Well, guess again! Might I suggest the following lesser known Central Florida events of the season:

The Cold War: Bomb Shelter Boutique at the Maitland Historical & Telephone Museum (Bomb shelters, crafts, and other relics of the 1950s and 1960s)...The Holiday Hypnosis Show at CityJazz...Gong Show Karaoke at Adobe Gila's...A Pirate's Christmas Dinner Adventure....and the Tools as Art Exhibit at The Terrace Gallery/Orlando City Hall.




"Tools as Art" photo courtesy of http://www.joslyn.org/

Low Unemployment Rate in Orlando, Courtesy of Dr. Seuss

A reminder to holiday travelers:

This is a Universal Orlando theme park employee.



This is an employee of the Orange County Sheriff's Office.



This dog makes more money, seasonally, than you.


Happy holidays!

photos courtesy of Local 6 WKMG, Orlando Sentinel and http://www.wdwinfo.com/

2 Shopping Days Left Until Christmas...

...but still plenty of great items available in Orlando - home of "World Class Shopping."

This is not NASA's newest astronaut...

This is Central Florida resident Walter Barrett. He's dedicated to finding new and creative ways to avoid facing the judge. This morning, Volusia County corrections officers went to take him from his cell to bring him into the courtroom for sentencing related to a violent home invasion conviction. Whereas Ghandi chose to protest via a hunger strike and John Lennon was known to speak his mind through lyrics and music, Walter Barrett is a bit more unconventional.

He covers himself in feces. Oh, and he throws it at people too.

(Insert your own "Gag Order" joke here)

So, what you see above is the Central Florida gear specifically designed to help law enforcement combat that sort of thing. It's much more intriciately engineered than it looks, but to the untrained observer, it appears to be a washcloth stuffed in Barrett's mouth with a plastic bag over his head.

photos courtesy of WFTV

Ho Ho Ho - Take Your McNuggets "To-Go"

Ever wonder how Men's Health Magazine came to the conclusion that Orlando is the angriest city in the nation?

Exhibit 142a:

Somebody is not in the happy holiday spirit at the McDonald's on Silver Star Road. According to a story from WFTV, that "somebody" hung a sign on the door informing anyone who attends Evans High School, "You will not be allowed to stay in the restaurant. Thank you for your cooperation!"

Passive Aggressive Translator: Our most sincere gratitude for your purchase, now kindly GET THE HELL OUT. Enjoy your day (elsewhere)!

After being confronted by the WFTV Investigative Team (it's a slow news week), the McDonald's manager responded with, "Wha? Wasn't me."

Student Laverne Higgins gave us all something to think about, though, with her quote to the press: "I ain't one of those kids. Everybody ain't the same, so yeah, I be kinda mad, too."

Tru Dat, girl!

Would you like some fries with that gator?

Do you have about an hour? That's how long it could take me to list all the reasons I love the Black Hammock Restaurant. If you've got out-of-town guests, this is an Orlando "must-see."

For time's sake, here is an abbreviated list of everything tacky fab at the Black Hammock:

*The menu: It's already hard enough to pick between the Frog's Legs and the Catfish Nuggets, but when you factor in the "Gator Corner" section of the menu with the Gator Bites (blackened or Cajun), things really spin out of control. Or should I go with the Swamp and Turf? Grits are available as a side item. DUH!

*Dining Entertainment: Sure, they offer live music, but I am much more excited by the fact that our waitress brought a baby gator to our table for us to touch. It's a step above those places like Ruth's Chris steakhouse, where they would never take the time to parade a cow through the dining room.

*Post-Dining Options: Take an airboat ride on Lake Jessup or go out back to visit Hammy, the resident 35-year old, 12-foot, 650-pound gator. Get your pic with him (which is $3 if you have your own camera, or $5 if you want them to give you their fancy paper-framed kind). For a real treat, you can watch Hammy get fed on Sunday afternoons. The young-in's will love it.

*Sleep-over: All the hotels booked up? Concerned about Florida's strict DUI laws? If you've had a few too many, you can always take advantage of the camping facilities at the Black Hammock.

*Gift Shop: Gator claw back scratchers, gator heads, and the gator shotglass/pocketknife combo.

*Special Events: They can even pretty-it-up for weddings.

(photos courtesy of Black Hammock)

Smells Like BenGay

Thanks to Jason for tipping me off to this tacky fabulous Orlando event. How is it that I had never before heard of (or got an invite to) Grandma Party?

The Grandma Party Bazaar is a semi annual gala that takes place in the parking lot of Stardust Coffee and Video. The last one happened on December 14th.

At this shindig, everybody is a vendor for the day! Whether you’ve got a knack for creating decorative vinyl donuts, edible magnets, or even pipe cleaner art, you can set up a card table and sell your wares at the Grandma Party. According to their event listing, they’ve got musicians, videographers, art installationists, farmers, hair stylists, and lots of other "ists" who hang out eating soy dogs and drinking lemonade. True to the event’s name, there are real live Grandmas there, along with a special section for rocking chairs, and a 3-foot Grandma pinata.

photos courtesy of http://www.latu.net/

Orlando is the only city where people pay to see ice!

Ice storms in Boston...FREE

Icicles in Kissimmee...$20

On the positive side, there is no window scraping involved at the ICE attraction in the Gaylord Palms Resort. Plus, you don't have to bring a parka - they'll let you use one of theirs - and since it's only 9 degrees inside, it's not likely the fat guy ahead of you sweat it up too much.

If you don't feel like forking over $60 for the whole family to experience this little Winter Wonderland, it's simple enough to re-create on your own. Just round-up 40 guys from Harbin, China, to hand carve the ice. Oh, and speaking of ice, make sure to order enough because Publix tends to run out. Gaylord Palms gets theirs from a factory in Cairo, Georgia that ships to Kissimmee in a refrigerated semi. You'll need roughly 5 million pounds.

On the downside, the official ICE website does address the "can I lick the ice?" question. The answer is no. Side note: Would you really want to?

photo courtesy WHDH Boston & Orlando Sentinel

Eat your heart out Clark W. Griswold...30 miles of extension cords!

There is nothing more tacky fabulous during the holiday season than the Osborne Family Spectacle of Dancing Lights at Disney/MGM studios.

The whole thing started in Arkansas in 1996, when businessman Jennings Osborne strung up 1000 lights for his 6 year-old daughter. By the time he was up to 3 million lights, his neighbors took legal action, calling it a public nuisance. (P.S. A series of appeals brought the whole thing to the Supreme Court where Clarence Thomas refused to hear the case, and the display was ultimately shut down for good). At that point, Jennings agreed to relocate the spectacle to a place where the residents have an appreciation for fine art (and lots of electrical outlets available). Helloooo Orlando!

The spectacle grows every year, and now it's up to 10 miles of rope lighting. The 30 miles of extension cords are held together by two million ties. The lights "dance" to snappy tunes like Feliz Navidad. And of course, it's not a Florida Christmas without the fake snow made from soap bubbles.

(photo courtesy of Disney/Gene Duncan)