Monday, June 30, 2008

The Wurst Story in the Sentinel Today...

"DeLand Man Accused of Assaulting Woman with Bag of Sausage".

Oh, the humanity! You carry around a child for 9 months, go through the pains of labor, the first day of school, endless hours of homework, and driving him to and from Oboe practice... only to have that same kid grow up and thank you by coming at you like a spider monkey, wielding a 3 pound bag of Polish Sausage.

The whole thing apparently stemmed from an argument between mother and son. Of course, the best line of the whole article relates to the fact that when police arrived on the scene, the perp may have been "cooking the evidence." The perfect crime!

Sunday, June 29, 2008

May the force be with you...

What a month to be a single chick in Orlando!

First it's Crash-a-Rama. Then, before I even have time to launder my camouflage cut-off shorts, I've got to grab my light saber and head off to the final Star Wars Weekend at Disney.

Men, Men as far as the eye can see!

photo #1 courtesy of Dave Selden
photo #2 courtesy of this

Thursday, June 26, 2008


Sorry I've been out of touch.  I was just recovering from Crash-a-rama last week when I got the call from Governor Crist's office about "the fruit fly issue".

What do you mean you haven't heard about the fruit fly issue? Did you not see the front page story in the Orlando Sentinel today  under the heading "Two Potentially DEVASTATING Fruit Flies Found in Winter Park"?  Stop worrying about the alligators and sharks people - because these two flies will find you and slit your throat without a second thought.  They'll attack your pets.  Don't believe me?  Read this:  A state of Emergency has been declared and "trappers" have been brought in.  I know you want more information about how one becomes a fruit fly trapper, but there is no time for that.  This is serious! 

Citizens of Orlando, I beg you to be on the lookout for these two flies.  Here is the last known photo of them on the patio of the Best Western Inn.  Quite honestly, I'm more concerned about the one on the left, watching.  Perv - fits the profile, if you know what I mean.  

photo courtesy of wikipedia

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Scrap Metal Mayhem

The mother of all redneck events was held Friday night in...

(wait for it)


Crash-a-rama time, kiddies - which includes all kinds of family favorites, like:  a blindfolded-driver trailer race, school bus figure-8 competition, auto soccer, lots of crashes, fires, camouflage and Budweiser.  

Witness the fun and beauty here. 

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Ripped from the Headlines: "Naked Encounters with Alligators..."

I'm sure there is a bait joke in here somewhere, but it just seems too obvious.

The story is that this guy is not going to let a little detail (like the fact that his last swim with gators left him with a "dangling limb") stand in the way of jumping in a Central Florida lake, nekkid.

link via FARK.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Very Suspicious

There's something very peculiar going on, fellow residents of Orlando.

And the fact that nobody is talking about it makes me even more disturbed.

Have you noticed anything different about Lee the Appliance Lady?  If not, I'm here to break it to you - the plaid jumper is gone.  
No explanation - Nothing.  After 12 years of an outfit that bears a striking resemblance to the ensembles worn by the Von Trapp family in the Sound of Music, Lee's now donning an olive green pantsuit.  
The email response from her fan site on my space was a simple, "it was time for something different."

If it were only that simple.  

Because now there is also much chatter from Sam about how his appliances come directly from Cleveland.  Splashed across the screen is a great big graphic, screaming "DISHWASHERS DIRECTLY FROM OHIO."

Which of course, leads me to wonder what's so great about midwestern dishwashers.

Then it hits me.

It smacks me with the same "ARGH" I felt after being Rick Roll'd three times today.

Sam is in my head again! 

He wants me to wonder about Lee's new outfit.  He wants me to ponder incessantly about washing machines.  Under any other circumstances, none of it would matter. I wouldn't be contemplating white porcelain, but now I can't get it out of my mind.  It's advertising genius.  It's psychology at its best. It's the sort of mind FU$& that can only come from a man in jorts fighting dirty in the war on overpriced appliances.  

I salute you, Sam.  You are a formidable marketing foe.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008


Kevin Beary has decided his days of chasing down perps are over.  He's retiring, which means there will be a new Sheriff in town, in Orange County.  I found the whole story particularly dull until I heard the super-exciting news that somebody really important is throwing his hat into the ring.

This is HUGE, Orlando.  



Monday, June 16, 2008

Turn to the left and cough, please.

If a woman dressed in latex, carrying a stethoscope, offers to give you a free hernia check outside the Albertson's, do NOT fall for it.

Thanks to Local 6 for the scoop on the traveling band of costumed naughty nurses attempting to rob old people in Central Florida.  Detectives say they are looking for one "heavyset woman who could be mistaken for a man."  Sort of ruins the fantasy, hey?

photo courtesy of

Sunday, June 15, 2008

All of the Wedding, None of the the Groom.

My "TV producer extraordinaire" friend Lucia has missed a few milestones in life, so she spent this weekend making up for it.

Saturday night, she threw an enormous bash at Gargi's Lakeside in downtown Orlando for her Wedding/Prom/Quinceanera.

Typically, the Quinceanera  is the mac-daddy-Spanish "Sweet 15" party, but since Lucia is 30, this was more like a Quinceanera squared.  

And it wasn't truly a wedding, since there was no groom.  But she did have the dress.  Lucia made a lovely bride, in her Scarlett O'Hara antebellum gown, complete with a tiara and wand. 

Every truly fabulous wedding needs a theme, and this one certainly rose to the occasion -  "80's".  I'm assuming that selection was based on a prom she never got to go to, but I didn't get the full scoop.  Guests were asked to dress accordingly in tafetta, shoulder pads and bangle bracelets.  Fortunately for me, I always travel with 80's hair, even when it's not part of the dress code. 

There was a DJ, so everybody Wang Chunged.  There was also a videographer, toasts, a garter toss, but no clinking of the glasses with silverware for a first kiss during dinner.  That would have just made the whole thing really weird.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Is that a ray gun in your pocket, or ...

There are few things more Tacky Fabulous than a grown man dressed as a storm trooper.

That image is trumped only by a grown man dressed as Chewbacca, waiting in line to meet the Jedi Council.

Yes, folks - it's time once again for Star Wars Weekends at Disney's Hollywood Studios. Prepare to see a whole lot of people wielding light sabers, and stage shows with dances like the "Y.O.D.A," (sung to the tune of YMCA).

And best of all, there'll be lots of Star Wars humor. Like this one:

Why doesn’t Luke Skywalker use "The Force" to pin a note to the bulletin board?
Because the Force is used for knowledge and defense, never for a tack.

photo courtesy of

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Lookin' Fer Love in Orlando

Hey y'all, I've returned from my travels, and now it's time to delve back in to all things gauche, south of the Mason Dixon line.

So, listen up, singles... I'm here to tell ya that is soooo 5 years ago.  

eharmony is for old people. 

Redneck and Single is where it's at, hoss.

The site is dedicated to helpin' honky tonk folk find their huntin', fishin', muddin,' NASCAR-watchin' soul mates.  

Monday, June 9, 2008

Fat Guy in a Little Shirt

Here we are in Bloomington - home of the world record holder for most T-shirts worn at one time. (160)

Really, what more do you need?

How about the fact that Bloomington is also home to the Guinness World Record holder for most rubber bands worn on one's face in a minute? (57)

I can go home now.

photo courtesy of Aaron Waltke

Thursday, June 5, 2008

The Tacky Fabulous Road Trip to Memphis Continues

The tacky fabulous bus is getting ready to leave the station in Memphis, headed for Port Bloomington, Indiana, but before I go, let me take a moment to note my three favorite things about this fair city:

In the food category:  fried peanut butter naner sandwiches

Attraction:  Elvis Jumpsuit collection

Souvenir: Elvis Pez Dispenser

Sign:  This one... from Beale Street!

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

The hotel smells like ass, but they've got free shuttle service

You know all those signs at Lake Eola I always complain about?  The ones designed to give the homeless people a hard time?

There is none of that here in Memphis.  Not only can Memphanites recline on benches and sleep, but they can have sexual relations on those benches. We witnessed a tremendous amount of heavy petting today, during the carriage ride.

Anyway, the Heartbreak hotel is a completely cheesy dive.  I love it.  Our room overlooks a heart-shaped pool and an adjoining RV park.  Life is good.  I bitched a little because the place smells strongly of Lysol, but then decided it was better than the mold/feet/Parmesan smell it was masking.  

Tomorrow, we move on to the Peabody Hotel, for a totally unique Memphis experience unlike anything that can be found in Orlando.  They've got a parade of ducks in the lobby, you know. 

Tacky Fabulous Road Trip


I'm on vacation y'all, in search of the most wonderful souvenirs to bring back to O-town.  

His and hers Elvis hairbrushes anyone?

Monday, June 2, 2008

Got Mohawk?

Got a head that resembles a Visayan Warty Pig? Lucky you!  Say hello to free admission to the Brevard Zoo over Father's Day Weekend.

If not, you've still got time to grow a mohawk, faux-hawk, or buy a wig.

And here's hoping they open a mullet exhibit at the aquarium real soon!

Pig photo courtesy of Local 6 via Ian
Mullet via Volkswagen

Sunday, June 1, 2008

International Man of Leather

Hooray...just a few more minutes before "Gay Days Week" officially kicks off.  Yes, the proper lingo is "Gay Days Week" not "Gay Week".  Don't believe me?  Check with Fred at the Parliament House.  He is my gay concierge, and the keeper of "all information gay".

If you love 1st annual events as much as I do, you've got something to look forward to.  This is marks the debut of the "Mr. Gay Days Leather Pageant." Even more exciting is the fact that this is the feeder contest for the 2009 INTERNATIONAL Mr. Leather Contest.  Take a peek at their photo gallery and you will see an event that looks every bit as fabulous as a Village People reunion.