The problem is two-fold.
First of all, sleezy red heels are known to trip wearers - and city officials want to spare you the embarrassment.
I believe I'm the only person who takes issue with Orlando public restrooms because I'm the only one who uses them (horny local politicians notwithstanding).
Theme parks are so last year. Dinner theaters are OUT!
I realize I run the risk of sounding totally ungrateful for the award just bestowed upon me by the Orlando Weekly for "Best Lifestyle Blog," but today is the day I take them down.
It's not that I don't appreciate my friends, it's just that once again, we spent last night sitting in folding chairs in the driveway of my neighbor's house listening to Kenny Chesney and Nickelback. It probably wouldn't surprise you to know there were children playing in the back of a pickup truck. On the menu? Cool ranch Doritos, barbecued Lay's potato chips, limoncello and Michelob Ultra. Fireworks and other homemade explosives were involved, and we are now 16 days past the 4th of July. The Speed Channel was on in the garage. What's nice is that you are free to watch it from either the elliptical machine or the stationary bike. Did I mention we did the same thing Friday night? Oh wait, I think we ordered pizza for that one.
...for naming Tacky Fab "Best Lifestyle Blog" for 2008. Never in all my life did I think my name might someday sit right next to the winners for "Best Mustache", "Best Wrestling Match" and "Best F-You to the Disabled".
Did city officials not make themselves clear on this? Per a previous lesson, everybody knows you are not allowed to "lie or otherwise be in a horizontal position" on park benches. Nor are you allowed to "sleep or remain in any bushes."
Fish Mints, of course. Now you, too, can spread the good word while enjoying delightfully minty breath! It's not that God hates people with halitosis, it's just that he doesn't love them as much as he loves people who have good oral hygiene.
This happy couple, David and Samantha Partin, just traded naming rights to their fetus in exchange for a $100 tank of regular unleaded. So far, the winning bidders are a morning radio team, so for a c-note, the little bundle of joy may forever be known as Dixon and Willoughby Partin ("Dixon and Willoughby" is the first name).