Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Caution: Our mulch is very delicate.

Orlando would not be the great city it is - The City Beautiful - if not for rules, signs and ordinances.  The more, the better.

So, listen up, all you chicks wearing your red pumps to Lake Eola park - KNOCK IT OFF!

The problem is two-fold.

First of all, sleezy red heels are known to trip wearers - and city officials want to spare you the embarrassment. 

Secondly, your Manolos will puncture the mulchy surface of the park - and have you ever seen what mulch looks like when it's all chipped and broken? Nasty!

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Wash your undies in Orlando toilets and go to JAIL - unless you're in a wheelchair

I believe I'm the only person who takes issue with Orlando public restrooms because I'm the only one who uses them (horny local politicians notwithstanding).

Yesterday, my research duties (along with my 2 year-old son's doodies) brought me to the bathroom of the park at Lake Eola.  Armed with pepper spray, latex gloves, a surgical mask and Purel anti-bacterial gel, I made my entrance, and came face-to-face with this sign:

It begs the question:  are you allowed to wash your clothes in the toilet of a NON-handicap stall if you don't have "a handicap need in Lake Eola park"?

And most importantly, how many people washed their dedicates in the chamber pot before city officials felt it warranted an ordinance?

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

I see naked people

Theme parks are so last year.  Dinner theaters are OUT!

It's all about the "NAKATIONS".  As in - "Naked on Vacation," with my Mom and Dad and Grandparents in Kissimmee

That's the official word from the Orlando Sentinel in a story today about Cypress Cove Nudist Resort.  Remember?  The home of Cheeks Restaurant, The Fig Leaf Boutique, and people bare-assing bar stools, canoes, and anything else they can leave a butt print on.

The point of the article had something to do with Nakations being the rage among "international visitors".  There was the typical line about naked vacations being a great opportunity for family bonding without the limitations of clothing.  There was the obligatory quote from someone, to the effect of "It's not about seeing genitals - it's about celebrating the human form..."  blah...blah...  

My position has not changed on this - I still think it's about seeing somebody else's private parts.  If not, then why not go to the Nickelodeon Resort?  They've got a restaurant and a gift shop, too!

But, I must admit, there was a really great point made by 44 year-old Harrie Canhout from the Netherlands.  In the midst of a failing economy, wouldn't it be great to go on vacation and not pack anything at all?  In Harrie's suitcase - one toothbrush and a single pair of sneakers, for playing tennis and running on the treadmill, of course.

Monday, July 21, 2008

TOTAL SCAM! Somebody Call the Local 6 Problem Solvers NOW!

I realize I run the risk of sounding totally ungrateful for the award just bestowed upon me by the Orlando Weekly for "Best Lifestyle Blog," but today is the day I take them down.

It was less than five days ago, when the Weekly named their "Best of Orlando" for 2008, which included honors in categories like "Best Display of Sexism" and "Best Place to Duck Beer Bottles".

There was also an award given for "Best Mustache." Important - I'll agree - but I was a little surprised to see Tony Ortiz receive top honors. He's the Commissioner of Orlando District 2.

I'm pretty sure he also moonlights as a mime at Disney on the weekends, but that's unconfirmed, at this point.
Yes, Tony's mustache is dead sexy, but I just couldn't shake the thought that there must be an even bigger, better, and waxier one in town. I mean, in a city that boasts "the World's Largest McDonald's Playland" and the "World's Largest Harvest of Tomatoes From a Single Vine," clearly there must be a mustache of enormous proportions tucked away somewhere in Orlando's underbelly. Did anybody from the Orlando Weekly pay a visit to Wally's Pub to research this category?

Immediately, my thoughts went to Tico Perez as a possible contender, but further investigation indicates he is no longer sporting the look made famous in this picture from a few years ago, in his Eagle Scout regalia.

So, I emailed my friend Ian Monroe at the Orlando Weekly to find out a little more about the methodology and research that went into the "Best Mustache" decision. I wanted to know who else had been in the running.

Monroe's response made it clear there was something more going on, but I didn't know what. He gave me a quick brush-off line about Alan Grayson now being clean-shaven, and politely wished me a good day.
Then, I knew it was time to bring in the big guns. I reached out to the American Mustache Institute. By the way, that's a "dot org", meaning they are in it for the love of the mustache, not for commercial purposes or money making. I knew, of course, the Orlando Weekly had, most certainly, contacted their organization before ever making a important decision about "Best Mustache."

I was wrong.

Not only was AMI not involved, but they don't even support the Orlando Weekly's choice! Here's what they had to say:

"Thank you for this missive. Clearly, the results of any vote on a 'best mustache' cannot be certified without the involvement of the American Mustache Institute (AMI), which, behind the U.S. Marine Corps and the Muppets, is the bravest organization in the history of mankind.

In examining Mr. Ortiz's mustache, it is clear that this vote was not about his luxurious labia sebucula (Latin for "lip sweater"), but about his presence, strong bones, well defined jaw line, and unquestioned good looks. In short - they voted for the man, not the mustache."

It was just as I had suspected - something was up. But that's when things took a weird turn. The AMI actually went so far as to throw their support behind Mike Thomas of the Orl
ando Sentinel - who doesn't even have a mustache anymore! Read on...

"We would suggest the best Orlando-area mustache is one that actually perished more than a year ago - the mustache of Orlando Sentinel columnist Mike Thomas who we are copying on this note. We revere Mr. Thomas' past mustache, although when he committed the 3rd degree felony by shaving it, he actually caused an angel in heaven to die and fall to earth (as happens when all mustaches are shaved)."
At that point, I fully expected Mike Thomas to do the right thing and bow out gracefully. So, imagine my surprise when I received this response from him, via email dated today (7-21-08 at 10:58am):

"I think my now deceased mustache should be nominated."

His rationale?

"It is not uncommon for dearly departed actors to be nominated for, and even win, Academy Awards."

And then he closed with this little cryptic phrase - obviously attempting to swing things in his favor with a promise he has no intention of keeping:

"A best mustache award would bring the dead back to life, as I surely would revive it if such an honor were bestowed."

Which, using Thomas' own Academy Award analogy, is like saying, "I will agree to star in 'Stop or My Mom Will Shoot 2', as long as you can promise me the Best Actor statuette first." I'm not buying it, Thomas!

I realize I'm venturing into territory that is best left to the experts, but I did point out to Mike Thomas that if the Weekly were to bend the rules for him, they would also have to allow Buddy Ebsen on the ballot - after all, he went to Rollins College, and also sported an uber-stache.

Unafraid, I suggested to Mike Thomas that he was probably in over his head and should, instead, focus his efforts in a forward-thinking manner - dedicating himself to a bigger and bushier mustache that would trounce Ortiz in 2009. But Thomas wasn't going to let it go. His heated response said something about me "lacking vision" - and that I'm too caught up in "mustaches that are" rather than "mustaches that could be".

I guess there's probably a lesson in here about making your vote count, or voting for change, but none of that matters right now. In 20 years, when Orlando children are reading in history books about "The Best Mustache of 2008" - it's Tony Ortiz' picture they'll see, and I don't think there's anything any of us can do about it.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

My soon-to-be BFF: Carole Rome

It's not that I don't appreciate my friends, it's just that once again, we spent last night sitting in folding chairs in the driveway of my neighbor's house listening to Kenny Chesney and Nickelback.  It probably wouldn't surprise you to know there were children playing in the back of a pickup truck.  On the menu?  Cool ranch Doritos, barbecued Lay's potato chips, limoncello and Michelob Ultra.  Fireworks and other homemade explosives were involved, and we are now 16 days past the 4th of July.  The Speed Channel was on in the garage.  What's nice is that you are free to watch it from either the elliptical machine or the stationary bike.  Did I mention we did the same thing Friday night?  Oh wait, I think we ordered pizza for that one.

To my point - while I'm heating up another tray of "pigs in a blanket," my new imaginary best friend/soon-to-be First Lady of Florida, Carole Rome, is partying it up in the Hampton's with a bunch of girls in shiny dresses.  

Carole - you know how Barack Obama always talks about change?  Girl, you better be fixin' for some change once you take up permanent residence here in the Sunshine State.  Y'all ever heard of Gatorland?

Anyway, here are some pics from one of Carole's awesome Hampton's parties at "Casa Rome."  This is Carole greeting her guests.  
CRIKEY! Is that a glass of White Zinfandel in her hand?  That is fantastic!  I was right- Carole Rome is sooo my kind of girl.  Uptight girls drink Merlot, but White Zin is one step away from a shot of Jager, which is one step away from a body shot which is one step away from wrestling in coleslaw at Bike Week.  Carol, we are going to have so much fun because I can just feel  that you are more "Bithlo Crash-a-rama" than you are "Hampton's Founders Day Picnic."  

I once saw Joey Fatone at Albertson's, which I thought was the greatest celeb citing ever, until I saw Carole's pics and discovered that when she has a party, all of Hollywood turns out!  That's reality star Lisa Gastineau - the mom from The Gastineau Girls, along with Barry Manilow, I think.

Then there are Carole's sexy friends who always know how to look great for the camera.

Pouty at every angle and workin' it like the rent is due! You go, girl in the blue and white dress!

And leave it to Carole to know that no shindig is complete without a John Stossel impersonator. 

By the way, these photos are brought to you courtesy of Rob Rich, but I think he made that pretty clear already!

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Thank you, Orlando Weekly...

...for naming Tacky Fab "Best Lifestyle Blog" for 2008. Never in all my life did I think my name might someday sit right next to the winners for "Best Mustache", "Best Wrestling Match" and "Best F-You to the Disabled". 

I have arrived.

Now - per the request of my friends at Orange County Concepts - my acceptance speech...

Thank you, Orlando Weekly. Without you, this would not be possible. Not only because it's your award, but because you allow me to steal your intellectual property on a somewhat regular basis. Like the skortman thing...and all those listings for events I'd otherwise not be invited to, like the vomit art exhibit and the International Man of Leather Contest.

But most of all, I'd like to thank my muse...

...for keeping the tacky fab dream alive.  She knows the secret.  It's not what you drive that matters - it's how many theme park character figurines and Bible scriptures made from mailbox letters you can attach to it - that really counts.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Somebody's been laying down again...and lying too!

Did city officials not make themselves clear on this? Per a previous lesson, everybody knows you are not allowed to "lie or otherwise be in a horizontal position" on park benches. Nor are you allowed to "sleep or remain in any bushes."
"Or Shrubs"

"Or Foliage"

But that's not all. Let's be more specific about the "horizontal" thing.

It means NO LAYING DOWN - on benches (or in bushes, shrubs or foliage).  Confused? Fortunately, there is another sign, just 3 feet away, for you slow people.

It means NO LYING on benches (or in bushes, shrubs, and/or foliage). 

And if that's not clear enough, you may not HAVE LAIN there at any time... nor should you currently be lying about shrubs ... or have plans to be untruthful in foliage EVER!  NOT IN OUR PARKS, PEOPLE!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

WWJC - What Would Jesus Chew?

Fish Mints, of course.  Now you, too, can spread the good word while enjoying delightfully minty breath!  It's not that God hates people with halitosis, it's just that he doesn't love them as much as he loves people who have good oral hygiene.

Just one of the many fabulous items offered at the Christian Retailers show in Orlando this week!

photo courtesy of Maria de Jesus/Orlando Sentinel

Friday, July 11, 2008

I'll trade you $100 in gas for your kid's identity...

This happy couple, David and Samantha Partin, just traded naming rights to their fetus in exchange for a $100 tank of regular unleaded.  So far, the winning bidders are a morning radio team, so for a c-note, the little bundle of joy may forever be known as Dixon and Willoughby Partin ("Dixon and Willoughby" is the first name).


the little guy's moniker is still officially up for grabs.  Dad has also agreed to tattoo the winning name on his own body "just as somethin' extra".

Even though it's a boy, how about "Dolly" Partin?  "Dee" Partin? Or "NotSomethingIWantToTake" Partin.

photo courtesy of Jackob Langston/Orlando Sentinel.  Full story here.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Waxing Nostalgic - Stars Hall of Fame

Further proof that Orlando truly is "the Hollywood of the South"... Did you know we are just one degree of separation from Trapper John, M.D.?  Follow me on this...

Orlando was once home to "Stars Hall of Fame Movie-TV Wax Museum."  It opened in May 1975 near the intersection of the Bee Line and I-4, with Tacky Fabulous sets that included Charlton Heston in a chariot (yum) and Corey Feldman as "Buzzy the neighbor kid" in Madame's Place. 

Recognizing the fact that the best acting talent can usually be found roaming the halls of wax museums, Stars management offered visitor screen tests, with one lucky guest winning the coveted spot as an extra in a 20th Century Fox production.  But not just any production...

Ladies and Gentlemen, the wildly popular...

End of today's Tacky Fabulous History Lesson.  Assigned reading for next week:  Skull Kingdom.

photo and info from Lostparks.com 

Friday, July 4, 2008

Tacky Fabulous Fireworks

Are we absolutely certain that hen is laying an egg?  

Admittedly, I'm a little dusty on my Mandarin Chinese, but if I'm reading the package correctly, it says, "I shit all over your independence, America". 

Oh well, Happy Fourth of July!!

photo from Rizer Fireworks

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

It's not a party without a Tofu Burger!

Why have burgers and hot dogs for Independence Day-ish celebrations when you can have soybeans? Join the Animal Rights Foundation this Sunday for A VEGAN PICNIC at Wadeview Park in Orlando.

The organizers have billed it, "The Event of the Summer", so it must be big. Maybe bigger than Wrestlemania. Maybe not.

On the menu:

Potato Salad
Baked Beans
Apple Slices

Here is the link for the great Tofurkey photo. Includes a recipe, too!

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Nerds, Pizza, and Superheros

Just when I thought all the technosexuals left town with the Star Wars Convention, I stumbled upon this great event:


Now, time for a game. Where will this event be held?

a) In the basement of someone's Mom's house
b) A comic book store
c) Behind Circuit City
d) An arcade

The correct answer is B, of course. Anyone who has ever taken an SAT prep course knows the correct answer is always B. Nerdapalooza will take place on July 3rd (Thursday) from 7p, until midnight, at A Comic Shop in Winter Park. Pizza will be served.

link via Orlando Weekly