Hips don't lie - neither do ukuleles.

In a city based on "authentically faux experiences," I'm very happy to report on something that is the real deal.

This past weekend, we made the trek to Disney for their Saturday morning hula dance class (10am -noon) at the Polynesian Resort. I was entirely expecting some 19 year-old mainlander named Madysson to lead the whole thing, but was pleasantly surprised when Auntie Kaui arrived on the scene, ukulele in hand.
If you want to learn to shake your money maker old-school, this is the chick to show you how to do it. Auntie Kaui's got 50 years experience, so without giving away a lady's age, that makes her older than Disney World itself (but still younger than the city of St. Augustine).

She taught us a few shakes, we did some chants, and Disney provided a wardrobe of leis and grass skirts for everyone. Other than the fact that they made me wear a T-shirt under my coconut bra, it's about as close as you can get to real luau training in Orlando...in the lobby of a hotel...next to a sweaty, fat guy in a Green Bay Packers Jersey.

Discount Nikes and Freebird on the harp

Without bogging you down in all the technical details, let me just explain that sociologists have discovered a phenonemon whereby cities can actually become overloaded with culture, at which point it's inhabitants can't swing a dead fried squirrel without hitting something related to the arts. That's exactly what has happened in Orlando in recent years.

It's no longer necessary to visit the theme parks, or even International Drive, for world class entertainment. Tacky Fabulous correspondent Tim from Funkee Munkee Land has found the latest cultural contribution: a Rock-Star-Harp-Playing-Guy outside the Premium Outlets. This picture alone speaks volumes, but Tim said it's really worth catching a live performance.

"He has all the rock star moves, including the forward lean on the front leg to the beat of the music with the extended lean for musical emphasis...the one-handed solo, the crotch grinding motions for the really intense musical moments and the final exasperated release of the instrument at the end of the song because he has just poured out his heart and soul through his rock harp."

If the whole thing leaves you wanting more, the good news is that Rock-Star-Harp-Guy is selling his CD's, too - just in time for Valentine's Day.

"Fried Squirrel is a southern delicacy...you gotta know that..."

...says Mike Huckabee AGAIN. Apparently, it was such a hit the first time around on Morning Joe , his advisors encouraged him to share the recipe with Tim Russert on Meet the Press this weekend.

I don't know about you, but I'm very leery of a potential president who eats deep fried squirrel. Every good southerner knows squirrel is best prepared on a stick over an open flame, served with a side of grits. But really, as far as southern-delicacy-rodent-feasts go, you can't beat a good possum stew. Call me traditional.

In the good old days, you could watch Nitro "breakthrough and conquer" up-close while eating chicken nuggets in Kissimmee

As further testament to how truly important Orlando is in terms of pop culture, we were a stop on the tour for American Gladiator auditions this past weekend. "Big, bad athletic types" with an affinity for spandex were invited to attend.

The physical challenges were clearly less daunting than the application, which included questions like, " Have you ever had a temporary or permanent restraining order entered against you?" And then there was the section on the 8th page where applicants were asked to rate themselves on their "ability to manipulate people, street fight and tempt the opposite sex." Had I known all those great guys were going to be in one place, I would have gone trolling for dates!

Also interesting: according to the Orlando Sentinel Theme Park Rangers, Kissimmee was once home to the American Gladiators Dinner Show. Shockingly, it didn't last long, and the building now houses a church. (Not just any church - the Rock Church)

I don't understand how this attraction didn't survive...who wouldn't want to dine in the Gladiator arena? Maybe it's because Adonis wasn't around then, serving up lines like: "I'm agile like a mongoose!" But then, there was that heavenly-mulletted hero Malibu...

Tacky Fabulous Story of the Week

By now, you've probably heard about the Florida Mom who was pulled over for DUI when police spotted a case of Busch beer buckled safely into the front seat, and a one-year old jumping around in the back, unbuckled.

I hate to brag, but this is where I'm leaps and bounds ahead of that Mom. I dote on my kids AND I show my alcoholic beverages a little TLC, too...just look at my beautiful girls!

The most tacky fabulous musical performance ever!

Leave it to the guys (and girl) at Boing Boing to find this - a very unique version of "One Toke Over the Line" from the Lawrence Welk Show. I'm left with the very strong feeling that neither Mr. Welk nor "Miss Butterfly Dress" have any idea what a "toke" is, as evidenced by Lawrence signing off with: "Now you've heard a modern day spiritual by Gail and Dale..."

Please join me in welcoming "Oink the singing pig" from the Pork Chop Revue

There is nothing more tacky fabulous than a county fair - except maybe a carnival in the parking lot of a mall. I love those!

The Osceola County Fair is going on right now (until February 17th). So much to do, including a "religious rap music show" tomorrow at 3pm. The Pork Chop Revue is scheduled for 2, 4, 7 and 9pm, featuring Cousin Grumpy and Oink the singing pig. Singing what, you ask? "Old MacDonald had a farm," of course!

I'm also interested in seeing the sheep breeding show, listed on this page. What a great educational opportunity for the little ones! Also, make sure to check out the heifer grooming exhibit, Michelle's magical poodles show, the citrus tree contest, and antique tractor pull. Yee Haw!

It wouldn't be a legitimate county fair without a "Cutest Baby Contest." In this one, participants are judged in two categories - personality and western wear - the most important things on which to judge people throughout all stages of life. According to the rules, (of which there is only one), the "no removal of clothes policy" will be strictly enforced.

Huh?

photo courtesy of Abiline Reporter News

Please come to Florida for a lap dance - Grandpa wants to see the new Rambo movie.

Here's an interesting concept one Florida lawmaker is trying to push through: tax the strip clubs, and in turn, send the money to nursing homes to boost the allowances of patients on Medicare.

The money would go toward things like haircuts and movie tickets, and would come from things like "lingerie, bikini or nude modeling; body shampoos or scrubs; private shower shows; peep shows; nude, seminude or topless dancing; nude, seminude or topless waitressing; lap, friction, couch or table dancing; erotic massages or performances; nude photo sessions; and personal escort services.''

The "friction" thing interests me...is that so wrong?

Hopefully, they'll allow for different levels of sponsorship. For example, if you make a sizeable donation in the VIP room of the Doll House, one senior could upgrade to hair color services or a perm. Fun!

Then, maybe, if that tax works out, we could extend into other areas previously considered taboo. For example, the state could recognize gay marriage, then tax the happy couple and use the proceeds to feed shelter animals.

photo courtesy of: sportswrap.berecruited.com

Do Schnauzers or Rottweilers make better kissers?

Sure, this pic looks bad, but you need to realize it was taken AFTER the two of them had a really nice meal at Brio and a few Carmel Apple Martinis at Dexters.

OK, I'm kidding. For real, this firefighter gets mad props for being man enough to give CPR to several DOGS he rescued from a fire in Kissimmee yesterday. I'm sure he was really excited when the Local 6 Problem Solvers arrived on the scene with cameras in hand.

It's a bit unnerving to consider where that mouth might have been last (the dog's, not the firefighter's), but according to a report from ABC news, french kissing a dog is perfectly acceptable and even encouraged, if the dog is up-to-date on its vaccines for "parasite control."

I think I'll pass.

You can only laugh about a "firend" if you've never had one.

Cypress Gardens re-opened in December 2005 to 45 million dollars in renovations, including new rollercoasters, remodeled botanical gardens, and improved facilities, but unfortunately, no spell-check on the office computer.

I visited the park last year and had an awesome time, but I had a much better time last night on their website. One part grammatical errors and two parts useless information adds up to almost as much fun as dressing in a hoopskirt and watching a waterski show. (I said "ALMOST" as much fun).

Thanks to Tacky Fabulous reader "startlingmoniker" who recommends the Special Events section of the site. There you can find all sorts of interesting tidbits on artists scheduled to play Cypress Gardens - from Juice Newton to Wayne Newton. For example, did you know Mr. Las Vegas won "an internatinal award for his most active hobby, the breeding of Arabian stallions"...or that BJ Thomas' song Hooked on a Feeling "features the sound of an electric guitar"?

The Temptations will play there on February 17th - but with only one original member included in the mix, I think they should technically be called "The Temptation".

Most disturbing, though, is a misspelled reference to a Beach Boys tune Cypress Gardens calls "Firends" which sounds less like a song title and more like a painful medical condition affecting one's digestive tract.

A "bow and arrow event" without bows and arrows...

If you love Valentine's Day and you can't get enough of sappy cliches, you'll definitely want to head to Cypress Gardens. "Love is in the air", they promise on their website - "Start the magic all over again at our Valentine's Day Headquarters."

Sounds hot, hey?

This is all part of the "Bows and Arrows" event that runs from February 14th thru the 16th. Don't get all worked up, though, thinking it's a couple's archery gala. There are no bows and no arrows, and really nothing to do with bows or arrows, according to the website. Somebody just decided it's a great name for an event.

But, for $19.95, you can "renew your vows in one of the most beautiful places on earth." No dummy, not Machu Picchu! The most beautiful place on earth just so happens to be a theme park off Highway 540 in Polk County. Thank goodness there's a commemorative photo op (Or as they call it on the website, a "comemoritive" photo). As you renew your vows alongside other sweaty couples from the midwest and abroad, a photographer will be on hand to "capture the magic." Plus, you get a "I renewed my vows at Cypress Gardens" certificate, suitable for framing. Bet you think I'm kidding, right? Check fo yo-self!

More good news: Cypress Gardens splurged on a romantic chocolate fountain for the event. The bad news: there's a "nominal fee" to dip fruit into it.

Your Grass Kicks A$$!

Some of us will never take gold in the Olympics. We won't pen the great American novel nor will we make it to the final 10 on American Idol. We won't discover the cure for herpes. We won't trump Ken Jennings in Final Jeopardy and we won't sit on the couch alongside Tyra Banks on "a very special episode..." We won't be counted among an elite group to set a World's record for kazooing or yo-yo'ing. But maybe...just maybe....we might be awarded the prestigious "Lawn of the Month" honor.
It's the stuff dreams are made of.

Kicking it old school at Albertson's...

I love the "one-step up from food stamps" program at Albertson's grocery store. Thanks to their incentive plan for preferred shoppers, I have a complete set of bakeware, pots & pans...and I'm on my way to a new set of dishes. If all goes well, they'll offer up glassware soon, and my guests will be able to drink out of something other than plastic cups and ceramic mugs.

Here's the catch though: Albertson's uses these really prehistoric "saver stamps" that you've got to lick. Licking stamps is soooo 1970! My Mom used to lick her green stamps, as did her mother before her.

I'm as excited about licking paper from the cashier's drawer as the cashier is about being on the receiving end of my saliva sample when it's all over. After I've filled up my form, she has the enviable chore of piling her "spit on paper" collection into orderly stacks to be handed off to management.

Ummmm, excuse me...It's flu season - would it be too much to ask for self-adhesive products?

I'll take my discipline with a side of guacamole

An Orlando day care worker was fired for the old, "Shut yer yap or y'ull get a mouth full-a hot sauce" trick. The employee seasoned a toddlers tongue with a wee bit of tobasco...which proved to be the perfect recipe for "Visit from the Local 6 Problems Solvers" glazed with walking papers.

By the way, the name of the Day Care establishment is "Sugar and Spice Learning Center," so don't say they didn't warn you.

Loco Boulevard

There's a one mile stretch of Highway 434 in the Longwood/Wekiva area that has become a hotspot for men who want to showcase their fanciest outfits for motorists stuck in rush hour traffic. In the past 6 weeks, I've had the pleasure of seeing a grown man dressed as a teapot, another dudded up as the Statue of Liberty, and one more channeling Juan Valdez - shirtless, but wearing a sombrero, nonetheless.

It's worth noting, these were 3 different guys and only one was holding a business sign, so as to indicate his garb was for profit and not pleasure.

What are the odds?

...Both guys have the great idea of opening waffle businesses, and by chance, they come up with almost identical yellow signs with scrabble-type letters. Amazing! Good thing one guy took the time to add the "Registered" symbol AND mention the fact that it is "The Original" so that nobody can ever steal the amazing brand he obviously created without any help. Since the concept seems to be catching on, though, could it be long before the "Waffle Yard" arrives in town? Or how about "Waffle Alley"?

Is it a strip mall or a college campus? Hooray - In Orlando, it can be both!

Everyone knows we're saturated as far as tourism goes, but now it seems we're just about maxed out on institutions of higher learning, as well. Heck, even Barry has his own University, so could a "College of Frank and Trevor" be far behind? Whether you're looking for a degree in "Le Cordon Bleu Culinary Arts" or a certificate in "Medical Insurance Coding", Orlando's got it all:

High Tech Institute, University of Central Florida, Central Florida College, Central Florida Institute Everglades University, City College of Casselberry, DeVry University, Florida Metropolitan University, Florida Technical College, Florida College of Natural Health, Florida College of Integrative Medicine, Herzing College, Full Sail, International Academy of Design and Technology, ITT Technical Institute, Keller Graduate School of Management, Marine Mechanics Institute, Steiner Education, Motorcycle Mechanics Institute, Orlando Culinary Academy, TechSkills, Universal Technical Institute, University of Phoenix, Valencia Community College,
Seminole Community, and College Rollins College.

So with all these smart people in one place, how do you explain this?

Which is worse: Drinking suntan lotion while driving drunk or punching a horse in the neck?

This sweet-and-innocent-looking young lady is a horse puncher.

Really - she punched a police horse in the neck on Saturday night in Tampa outside a bar. Not particularly relevant, other than the fact that a man named Rick Keller was also listed in the report as having been arrested for an "offense against an animal". How ironic that our U.S. Congressman here in Central Florida is a man named Ric Keller!

Hopefully the "k" missing from the end of our prestigious lawmaker's name is just enough to distance himself from a scandal involving "violating animals."

THAT would be almost as atrocious as a former city councilman being arrested for DUI while drinking suntan lotion at the scene of a crash.

photo courtesy of MSNBC

Who's gonna break the news to the werm guy in Sanford about his bate sign?

Central Florida Health Alert: Please get your Parfumeria Vaccination before traveling to Orlando

It's not quite as serious as SARS, but definitely more of a threat than bird flu.

According to the CDC, parfumeria is caused by the spread of the parfumeroeae bacterium. To reduce risk of exposure, avoid touching anything on, in, or around I-Drive.

Ripped from the headlines: "Witnesses said he is a 'no underwear' man"

Thursday night's entertainment on the outskirts of Orlando came free of charge, courtesy of bail bondsman Rico Reed.

The redneck fun began with Reed cornering his perp in downtown Winter Haven - which led to a scuffle that wrapped up with 3 cars totalled and one guy bare-ass naked.

This guy:

According to the story in the Ledger, the whole thing played out like an episode of Dog the Bounty Hunter, but what really makes it an interesting read are the quotes from witnesses, like this one:

"You see this naked guy getting the crap beat out of him. In a strange way, it was kind of funny."

"Kind of funny"? Don't be such a tough audience! Add a case of Milwaukee's Best and a bonfire and it's the most fun you can have on a weeknight in Polk County.

Our tax collector loves money almost as much as he loves quotation marks!

I realize this is a very Seinfeldian topic, but "what's with all the quotation marks?"

I was able to get past the punctuation faux pas, though, when I saw the part about a "more than you would imagine" website. I mean, I've got a pretty good imagination, so I started considering all the possibilities - maybe there were pictures posted of famous people who've filed their taxes in Seminole County (including "Larry the Cable Guy" and Cooter from "Dukes of Hazzard"). Perhaps there were forums with gossip about elected officials and hopefully there were crazy photos of the Tax Collector's holiday party - what if things got so out of control that by the end of the night, Ray Valdes, "1999's Tax Collector of the Year" ended up in an outfit like this?

I RACED back to my house, soooo excited about jumping on the computer to see what this exciting thing was...the thing that promised to be better than a tax collector partially donned in leather.

Not to spoil it for you, too, but the "Seminole County More Than You Can Imagine" website is a total let-down. Instead of pictures of DMV workers giving lap dances, there are applications for hunting and fishing licenses alongside information on the discretionary sales surtax.

"I'm disappointed."

"Very disappointed"

You can quote me on that.

photo courtesy of the Parliment House

From the city that brought you "Princess Mouse Ears with a Veil" in adult sizes, comes more "alternative fashions"...

Let's review the latest trends from the theme park trenches:

Matching outfits for the whole family? Hooray!
White pants, year-round? Yes!
Mouse ear/Top hat combo for the big day? Nothing less!
It's all about looking good from head to toe, which brings me to the topic of shoes. At one point, there was a complete website dedicated to "Unfortunate Theme Park Footwear." Sadly, BadShoe.com hasn't posted anything new since 2005, but I can assure you there have been plenty of horrific kicks making their way down Main Street USA since then (everybody remember Helio's fancy Christmas feet?)

Here are a few of Bad Shoe's "Feet that will live in infamy." What? No black Rockports with tube socks?

Hat photos courtesy of Laughing Place Store.

Want to see Lucky Meisenheimer "pop the clutch", yo?

Has it really been 4 days since we set a world record in Orlando? Slow week, I guess.

Fortunately, there is the most fabtackulous event scheduled for Saturday at Heritage Square. This is for the coveted title of "most people simultaneously yo-yo'ing in the same place at the same time."

It's hard to imagine it could get any better than that, right? WRONG! Because Lucky Meisenheimer is going to be there. Yes, THE Lucky Meisenheimer - the Guinness World Record holder for the largest yo-yo collection. Don't be surprised if Will Ferrell is there, as well, because this gala has all the trappings of a really great movie about extreme yo-yo'ing. Can't you just imagine the trailer? "If you liked 'Blades of Glory' and 'Talladega Nights,' you'll love 'Pro-Yo: The Lucky Meisenheimer movie -Hangin' by a String.'

In the off-chance you haven't yet seen the world's largest functional wooden yo-yo (six feet in diameter), it'll be there!

A master Duncan yo-yo demonstrator will also be on hand to show you some "wild yo-yo tricks" including the ever-popular "walk the dog," and "rock the baby." How savage!

And what yo-yo event would be complete without some post-competition drink specials, free beer, bikini waxings, and discounted Sushi,? I kid you not...

Only in Orlando.

photo courtesy of www.luckyrosefilms.com

Cold Case Files - Orlando Mystery #1274: Lee's Leg Brace

It's the one question I'm asked more than any other..."What's with Lee the Appliance Direct Lady's leg brace?" People have a hard time figuring out:

a) why, after all these years, she hasn't gone to see an orthopedic surgeon.

b) why she doesn't take off the brace for the Appliance Direct TV commercials. Some have argued it doesn't make a good accessory to the green plaid jumper OR the green plaid pantsuit. I disagree, but for the sake of investigative reporting, I got the scoop from the mistress of microwaves via her myspace fan site...

Lee injured her leg while running, so she had it on for the first commercial. Focus groups responded so well that she kept it. Now, years later, the leg has healed, but the brace stays. It's marketing genius at work. I'm sure John Lennon didn't need to wear glasses, but do you think the Beatles would have sold all those records if he had contact lenses? Just something to think about.

In the meantime , if you need more appliance fun, check out Sam rubbing bleach on his face and getting all Wakki NuNu (the good stuff kicks-in at 1:05).

This case is now officially closed.

The Tacky Fab Meal of Choice

Ho-Hum: Florida Grandma arrested for not pulling forward in the McDonald's drive-thru.

Tacky Fabulous: Her order consisted of black coffee and supersized fries. YUM!! The only thing better is a Taco Bell Gordita Supreme with chocolate milk.

pic from Local 6

It's just like golfing St. Andrews - if St. Andrews was in a nightclub on the second floor of an Orlando shopping mall

Glenlivet scotch has set up a 9-hole St. Andrews replica inside Pointe Orlando on International Drive. Does it get any better than putt putt, free samples of scotch, men in plaid skirts, and Van Halen blaring in the background?

The event runs during lunchtime until Friday and doesn't cost anything, but you are asked to make a donation to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. Don't get the bright idea of drinking up all the samples and then tossing a dollar into the fishbowl. Eric Jenson, the tour's director of operations told the Sentinel, "It's not an open bar for everyone to get hammered, by the way. It's just taste testing." He's on to us.

photo courtesy of WFTV

Orlando's Tacky Fabulous Award for Good Sportsmanship.

You've really got to like chicken nuggets a lot to camp out overnight in order to win them. That's how it went down at the new Chick Fil-A in Winter Garden where the first 100 people scored a "one free meal every week for a year" coupon. Orlando's chicken lovers came out in droves.

They brought tents.

It rained.

But poultry lovers are a dedicated and powerful force in Central Florida. They let nothing stand in their way.

David Holland was guest #101. You'd probably expect that with his terrible misfortune, he would have lashed out at the WESH reporter who asked for his reaction to not landing a coupon....and David's response would be something like, "Hey Chick Fil-A-holes, thanks for nothing! I could have been watching Appliance Direct infomercials in the comfort of my own home for the past 24 hours."

Instead, David Holland replied politely, "The first 100 customers on this beautiful morning received free Chick-Fil-A. I was not one of them, but I still had a good time sleeping in the rain."

David Holland is the epitome of Orlando class.

(except for that part about sleeping in a tent in a parking lot of a fast food restaurant).

photo couresty of WFTV.

"But I don't know how many yen to bring!"

The tacky fabulous mailbag is overflowing with letters from all over the world, asking the same question: "How much does 'good food' cost in Orlando?"

To help you budget your next vacation, use this as a guide: Meals consisting of "Good Food" run, on average, about $47 per person at restaurants that are open 24 hours. Keep in mind though, that's a breakfast, lunch and dinner special, exclusive to the Orange Blossom Trail. Gooder food could be more expensive as you get closer to the theme parks.

If you're morbidly obese, feel free to vacation here (and die)

Somebody please ring the "Orlando World Record Bell" because we are now home to the world's largest autopsy table. It supports up to 1000 pounds - so go ahead and enjoy those tater tots with cheese and fried pickles at Crooked Bayou!

photo courtesy of Local 6/WKMG

Orlando's "No Fun" Zone

It’s hard to imagine an Orlando vacation that doesn’t revolve around drugs and hookers, but I’m sorry to tell you it just isn’t going to happen anymore at the intersection of Parramore and Colonial.

That’s the bad news.

The good news is that the most experienced and cost-effective prostitutes can be found just a few miles down the road on South Orange Blossom Trail. I checked, and there’s not a sign to be found, so we can only assume it’s a hooker-friendly area.

Fashion, fashion everywhere!

Raise your hand if you know where the fashion district is. If you said “New York” you can put your hand down, dummy. The correct answer is Orlando – South Orange Blossom Trail, to be exact. On any given day you might see Donatella Versace or Ralph Lauren checking out the latest trends in lycra - the staple of Orlando chic.

And no, it’s not just one store. See? It’s fashion!

Move over Family Man, there's a new fat guy in town...and he's hairy.

I think somebody's been to the Family Auto Mart's ad agency, because I see an Orlando automotive marketing strategy that looks pretty familiar. Let's go to the videotape:

Zany spokesperson - Check! Ladies and gentlemen - I present "The Big Diggler"

Clever Motto - Check! "Junk in the Trunk" (or is that the name of the business?)


Uncomfortable Dance - Check! Enjoy it here.


"Unbelievable, never-before-seen specials!!!" - Check! In fact, I just saw a spot for a "Back to School" sale yesterday - January 14. The lack of fresh content must have something to do with the writer's strike - everybody's suffering, even the Big Diggler.
Late night TV show - Check! (Am I the only person in this town who doesn't have a TV show?)


So now I ask you, Orlando business owners, how ya gonna top this?

Words to live by...from an Orlando legend

"Women in bands are always trouble!"

--Mark Wayne, of "Mark and Lorna" fame (in a 1992 Orlando Sentinel interview)

Hola and Welcome to Chang's Chinese Grocery, Klaus will be preparing your taxes today...

"Welcome," says Mame Diara or as they say in Swahili – "Bienvenidos!" Or is it "Auf Wiedersen"? No...no...wait...it's "Au revoir."

At any rate, when you visit Orlando, don't forget to stop by this authentic African store on the Orange Blossom Trail. Ay, Chihuahua - they've got some great ox tail. And yes, of course, they'll do your taxes, silly!