I Saw Your Buns in the Bathroom

According to WFTV, the Checkers "restaurant" in Sanford was cited for storing their hamburger buns in the bathroom.

FORMER customer Willie Jones told reporters "the bread was stacked sky high to the ceiling, plus it was only about 12 inches from the men's commode."

EEEW!  Wanna kick things up a notch? Check out WFTV's "Worst Restaurant Ever" report, featuring one place with open sewer lines, no running water, and fish being prepared on the floor.  State officials shut them down four hours after the report, just for the halibut.

haaaaaa!

Governor Crist: Babe Magnet

According to the Washington Post, it's the worst pickup line ever. Florida Governor Charlie Crist to Morgan Fairchild at a function for the White House Correspondent's Dinner:

"So, do you ever get to Florida?"

Hot, Charlie. Super hot. As far as political pick-up lines, it's almost as sexy as State Representative Bob Allen's "Your stall or mine?"

On the plus side, Charlie's efforts to get in Morgan Fairchild's pants may finally help put an end to those pesky gay rumors.

photo courtesy of some girl in Jacksonville's Facebook page. Click here for the scoop.

GRACIAS!!!

Thanks to Lou, Heather and Round Guy at KGGO and Ron Ross at WJBC for having me on their morning shows today!  Don't forget guys, if you're ever in Orlando, I'll take you to Cheeks.  

Satan: "I'm going to Disney World!"

This former Downtown Disney/Planet Hollywood employee threatened to blow-up the joint last night after being fired.  Oh, and he also claims to be the devil.

For some reason, Disney deemed him a "security risk" if he returns to work.  

Story from Local 6, via Fark.com.

I got flamingoed.

It happened sometime after 1am Sunday morning.  Some "pranksters" decorated my lawn with a bunch of plastic flamingos.  

I suspect it was the Eberhardt's, since they were ultimately found to be responsible for re-arranging the holiday displays into "reindeer mounting reindeer" positions and other undignified scenes Santa would not have been happy to see.

I have to admit, though, I kind of like my new pink lawn display.  It's a real conversation starter, like when my neighbors (who have their house up for sale) asked how long I planned to "showcase my art".

I'm curious as to how long I can leave them up before the homeowner's association gets up in my business.  I wonder what the penalty is for this sort of infraction.  I'm already in trouble for not registering my basketball hoop in the "neighborhood sporting equipment census".  

To add insult to injury, my flamingos are anchored into my almost-dead grass (I actually follow the water restrictions, thank you very much!)  

In case you're looking for more information on how to spread the lawn art love, why not visit the International Lawn Greetings Association website?  They are the powerful organization responsible for furthering the lawn greetings cause and lobbying our lawmakers in Tallahassee, I suppose.   Check out the forum for all the latest news and chat about lawn decor (including those "new baby" wooden storks - the enemy of the pink plastic flamingo).  

So much going on in Tallahassee...

Can't you just feel the excitement in the air?  Lawmakers passed a bill last week to make the "Gopher Tortoise" the official state turtle and the "Florida Cracker" the state horse.   Key Lime is also now officially the state pie.    

And for those who feel the Good Word should be spread via metallic sheets on car bumpers, behold the new Christian license plate:

 

I know somebody who is going to be very excited about this news!

                   

 

Authentically Faux Experience #414: Skydiving without the Sky

My son's birthday was last week. (He's my middle child/neglected one, whom I affectionately call "what's his name"). Of course, "what's his name" picked skydiving as his birthday outing of choice. Thank goodness for SKYVENTURE - all the skydiving excitement without the annoying airplane.

I don't recommend Skyventure for a date-night, though. Nobody looks good in a helmet and goggles, plus 145 mile-per-hour winds tend to puff out the cheeks in a rather unflattering way. It's a real treat though, if you are with people who will love you even when you've got drool on your cheek.

Ripped from the Headlines: "I'll Give you Fiddy Bucks fo' dat Toof"

According to this story from Local 6, it's a dental gold rush at Orlando pawn shops now that you can trade in your grill for cash.  

"People are selling piles of teeth, dental caps, fillings, and even bridgework to cash in on gold's high prices.''  Darn! Local 6 offers up no pictures of the "teeth piles".

Because we're such a refined bunch here in Central Florida, nobody has actually killed anyone or made an attempt to forcibly remove someone else's mouth bling, however, one pawn shop owner reports, "If a dentist passes away, their kids come in with a big pile of gold teeth."

You can take a girl outta Jersey...

...but she's still going to pack up her big hair and head to the Amway arena when Bruce Springsteen comes to town.  Here's the word from one "less fortunate" guy in the parking lot before last night's concert.  He's not makin' any excuses about how he's going to spend that dollar you give him.  (which is why I always opt to give  Nutrigrain bars and Capri Suns instead of loose change).

Grandpa is not gay, but he loves his skirt!

Thanks to the Orlando Weekly for this article about the Waterford Lakes Grandfather who spends his days making lacy, frilly skirts to sell online.  

No, he's not gay, he's just a guy who likes to wear skirts with fancy panties ("Commando is Bullshit," he says).  

If you want to buy a manskirt for the special guy in your life, go to  www.skortman.com.  The price for the "Ultimate Metrosexual Accessory?" $50 - $125. 

photo courtesy of Orlando Weekly

I'm Itchy Just Thinking About It!

The Central Florida Fair is going on right now -  for the 96th time.  This year promises to be better than ever, with fair organizers proudly landing professional wrestler "Jake the Snake" for autograph signings.  

Expect livestock shows, deep fried Oreos and dirty children-a-plenty.

Sticking with the "resort casual" dress code that's favored in Orlando: shoes, shirts and teeth are entirely optional at this event.

NO NO NO NO NO (DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!)

In Orlando, we're all about rules. Not necessarily following them, just setting them. We love ordinances here.

Of course, you've got your basics: No Eating. No Drinking. No Smoking. No Flash Photography. Please steer clear of the doors. Please stay seated until the vehicle comes to a full and complete stop.

Then, the closer you get to downtown Orlando, the more strict the rules become. No hookers. No Drugs. By the time you get to Lake Eola, you're not even allowed to "recline on park benches or otherwise be in a horizontal position." You're not allowed to sleep in the bushes or remain in the foliage. No sitting in the park after dark. No coolers. No parking during the day. No parking at night. No alcohol. No high heels on the playground. No vending.

And of course - No skating. No skateboarding. No rollerblading, and definitely no biking on the bike trail...or in the bushes.

The Redneck Initiative

Lawmakers have been very busy helping us shed that pesky "Floriduh" image that's been haunting us for years.  The first exciting news came this week with the passing of the "Bestiality Bill" in the state Senate.  And now, just to show the world we mean bidness - a ban on "Truck Nutz."  Check it out, from the Orlando Weekly.

So, if you're from anywhere other than Orlando, right now you might be asking yourself, who would "do it" with livestock, and what are "Truck nutz?"  

Good questions!  The first was addressed yesterday. 

Onward...As far as Truck Nutz go - let me put this in the most polite and ladylike terms I can describe for this tacky fabulous redneck must-have.  Truck Nutz are "plastic replicas of bull genitalia".  Actually, the rich folk have the metallic variety.  

Cultural note:  In the swamplands of Florida, these Truck Nutz are seen as a symbol of status.  If one "mud bogger" gets stuck and needs to be pulled out by another driver, he must then surrender his set of Truck Nutz to his rescuer.  This is why you'll see some trucks with multiple sets.  

According to this article, plastic replicas of bull reproductive organs are "in fashion" this year. 

Click here for a complete list of other annoying automotive "dangling decor" courtesy of the Palm Beach Post.

Great news for Rover...

Human-animal sexual relations are one step closer to being banned in Florida. The Senate just passed the Bestiality Bill.  So to answer your next question, yes, up until this point, it was OK to do "THAT" with your Golden Retriever. 

(Insert "Florida dumbass" joke here)

The impetus for the legislation?  Some loco dude in South Florida who was caught with a goat.  A pregnant goat.  According to this report, it wasn't his first "livestock crime" either.

Seriously, who looks at this and thinks "SEXY"?  Ick!

Please refer to this FARK link for every possible Floridian/goat joke.

Yet another use for duct tape...

...Alligator kidnapping.

Five Embry-Riddle students were caught trying to steal a baby gator from a miniature golf course in Daytona Beach last night.  Ain't putt-putt fun enough for y'all?!  

Here's Exhibit A (Perp #1 of 5)

It's somewhat disturbing that with 3 guys serving as "lookout men", Shaggy and pals weren't able to avoid cops.  Even more disturbing is the fact that they were using a palm tree leaf to try and lure away the gator (I typically use the "dead fish on dental floss" - gators are suckers for that).  

Most disturbing of all - the realization that, as Embry-Riddle students, these over-achievers may one day be piloting your next flight to Los Angeles.

As a side note to this gatorific story:  if you are tired of the same-old, same-old reptile snacks, including gator nuggets, gator sticks, gator egg bubble gum, gator jerky, Cajun gator, and swamp & turf, how about adding this fancy treat to the mix? It's the "carbogator" (also known as the "vegangator")

photo courtesy of BoingBoing

Plumbing fixture, storage solution or art?

Mitch English and I were at Seminole Community College today, molding young minds and shaping the future of America.  I always know we're on an important mission when Mitch wears a tailored suit (and not the one with the stapled sleeves).

This was in the hallway of one of the buildings on campus.  For those of you who don't understand art, I'm not going to even begin to try and explain it to you.  Let's just say that there is a gifted artisan among us here in Central Florida, and we'll leave it at that.

Truly a Leech!

OK, admittedly this picture was taken 150 miles away from Orlando in West Palm Beach - but OH, is it Tacky Fabulous! 66 year-old-shiny-blue-suit-wearin' Robin Leach on a stripper pole. As TMZ calls it, "Lifestyles of the Rich and Shameless." 'Nuff said.

Ever wish you could step inside a 20-foot long colon?

Now you can...only in Orlando!  

When the line for the Hulk at Universal seems to stretch on for miles, remember...there's never a wait to enjoy the breathtaking beauty of "SuperColon", proudly displayed at the MD Anderson Cancer Center. 

I hope you'll agree this is almost as exciting as the Booger Exhibit from the Grossology tour at the Science Center last year.

Tip courtesy of Alfred...photo courtesy of Local 6 WKMG!

Springtime in Orlando Sure Can Get Nippy...

But enough about the weather here.

I just want to take a moment to mention some of the truly tacky fabulous architecture in Orlando. This building, just off I-4 in Winter Park, is home to "Club Harem," and before that, "The Booby Trap."

In cities like Milwaukee, they use their arid domes to house large collections of cacti, shrubs, and bulbs. Does that count as culture?  That's not how we roll here in Orlando. Here, we use domed buildings to celebrate women and the art of dance.

It proves to be a lovely view from the sky, as well.

Nice Undurwhere!

I realize it's difficult to run a spell-check on rhinestone panties, but come on people!  

Green Beans Soaked in Arsenic

"Enter at Your Own Risk" is pretty much the official slogan of Sanford, and you can find that fancy sign all around town, from the Bait Shops to the Veggie Stands.  Which begs the question, "What's so risky about them there green beans?" 

And more importantly, could anybody even fit into that cart?  Tempting, isn't it? Those yellow crates and plastic buckets sure are pretty!

No Boiled Peanuts for YOU!

I must admit, I was lured in by the graffiti-like promise of roasted peanuts at this Bait and Tackle shop in Sanford.  However, my euphoria quickly turned to fear as I saw the "Enter at Your Own Risk" sign.  I started to imagine the possibilities...hungry alligators? packs of angry pit bulls? Sheriff Kevin Beary in a Speedo?

I'm OUT!

"Gently worn" bowling shoes for sale...

It's almost time for Orlando's Biggest, Largest, Most Monstrous Huge Yard Sale, taking place this weekend in Avalon Park.  

Where better to find tacky fabulous treasures like "King Crab on Black Velvet"?

The Avalon Park Yard sale promises some real treats...like "Giraffe Decor" at house #6, "A John Lennon Bedroom Set" at house #36, a water pitcher at house #51, and "Europian Entertainment" at house #41.  (Makes you wonder how that's going to fit into the trunk of your car).

House #55 is selling two dog crates...with the dog included!  (Not kidding)

photo courtesy of Yard Sale Bloodbath

My Monkid Can Beat Up Your Monkid!

So, here's the latest rage in Central Florida - monkeys as pets/pseudo-children.  According to the Orlando Sentinel, they're called "Monkids."  

You can dress them up in fancy clothes, get their ears pierced, let them sit at the dinner table, take them Trick or Treating, and set them up with their own rooms, complete with all the best Pottery Barn accessories.  

Giving them a slight edge over their human counterparts, Monkids can be kept in a cage when you go out for the evening, rather than having to pay the outrageous costs of a babysitter.

photos courtesy of Sew Simply Monkey:  "Fashions for the well-dressed Simian."

The only thing more tacky fabulous than Weeki Wachee Mermaids...

...is "Harold's Auto" dinosaur in Spring Hill.  They do repairs there, and according to the St. Pete Times, the clientele is camouflage-wearin.  

American cars are preferred over "dem foreign makes."  

It's a great place to pass the time, says Harold.  After all, "How bad can life be when you're workin' in the belly of a brontosaurus?"

Thanks to Mitch English for the pic from his road trip this weekend.  

May your death be long and slow?

Black College Reunion is over for another year, and it's time to think about what we've learned. 

Here are "Mr. Mil" and Kherki Kaifa from New Jersey, showing off their fancy new tattoos, which read "Live Fast, Die Slow".

A refreshing alternative, I guess, to that tired phrase about "quick and easy" or "simple and painless".  

photo courtesy of Dennis Wall/Orlando Sentinel

I knew I shoulda taken that left turn at Albuquerque!

Some of the best Orlando police work is actually just the result of having watched a whole lotta Looney Tunes as a kid.

Today, Orlando Animal Control crews captured a monkey that was on the loose in a neighborhood in the west part of town. How, you ask?  The monkey fell for the oldest trick in the book - the "banana on a string" gag.  

SUCKA!

Note to other monkeys - if you're at home and there's a knock, and then you open the door to find a beautifully packaged gift box - don't unwrap it! (Especially if it's from the ACME mail order company and it's ticking).

  

Also, be suspicious of babies left on your doorstep and little old ladies carrying umbrellas.

And finally, when asked, "one lump or two" by a rabbit holding a sledgehammer, don't respond!

Mountain Dew: The Newest Form of Birth Control

Super...there is now more fodder for "dumbass Floridian" jokes and bumper stickers.

A new survey shows that some teens in Florida believe:

a.  Drinking a cap of bleach prevents HIV

b.  A shot of Mountain Dew can prevent pregnancy

c.  Smoking pot is an effective means of birth control.

So, go ahead girls of Florida ... Drink that bleach!  But, don't be surprised when you give birth to a firemonster baby with a leather tail:  

For the love of Benji, PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!

Let me preface this by telling you how much I love the Orlando Sentinel.  I love the look of it, the feel of it, and the taste of it.  I use it as wrapping paper.  I love the font.  I love the people who work there - they are like my second family.  I love the fact that they've squashed every rival publication to secure their place as the only daily newspaper in town.  (Right?)  I love everything about them except for one thing:  

For the love of all that is holy, PLEASE STOP WITH THE STORIES ABOUT TINY DANCER THE DOG.

I really thought we had seen the last of Tiny D a few weeks ago when he missed out on being named Guinness World Record holder for smallest dog.  

But no, we're not done yet.  Because four Tiny Dancer stories, three video montages, four photo galleries and three blog postings really were not enough.  Somebody decided we needed more, and they saw an opening.  This one took some work.

Because apparently there is another dog (not a chihuahua)...in another city (not Orlando) in another state (not Florida) in another country (not the United States).  The dog is also not small (he's big)...and since he set a World's Record for being big, then really, that can only mean one thing. 

The story must run on the home page of the Sentinel website under the headline:  "Great Dane Sets World Record - See how he compares to Tiny Dancer."

At the risk of sounding jaded, I just can't get excited about an enormous Great Dane or a tiny Chihuahua.  What gives?  Great Danes are always big and chihuahuas are always small, so what's the big deal if one happens to be a little bigger or a little smaller than most of the breed?  Show me a Great Dane that weighs as much as a Chihuahua, and then I'm impressed.   

I beg you, look at Tiny's face.  Doesn't he look a wee bit tired of the media spotlight? Somebody step in.  SAVE TINY BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

photo courtesy of the Orlando Sentinel.  Click here for the other 1, 283, 483, 221 photos.  

Whips, Whoop-ass and Weight Lifting

So much to do, so little time when it comes to Orlando's newest S&M club, the Woodshed. I thought it was just a place to get your ass kicked, but after checking out their photo gallery, I realize there's much more to it than that.

For example, they appear to have a gym. I'm pretty sure those are weight lifting machines and benches.

Also, they've got a pommel horse, and a rock-climbing wall. Well, actually a chain-climbing wall, but still a great cardio workout.

A shoe-shine area...

And a spa for full-body waxing. Look, a slow cooker on the counter, too...I hope it's boiled peanuts!