Pic o' the Month!

I don't want to brag, but really, I think I have done an amazing job of capturing the beauty of that stretch of 434 in Longwood, otherwise known as Loco Boulevard.  

Just so that you understand the hierarchy, here, I believe the guy on the left is the boss of that foam thing on the right.  I was able to make this determination after hearing boss man bark orders like:  "Wave!  Now!  Both Hands! Turn!"  Notice though, he never said, "Smile!"

For those of you keeping track:  the past three months on Loco Boulevard have also included:  The Statue of Liberty, 

Juan Valdez, and a grown man dressed as a teacup.  

Poop Head

When you're looking for a plumber in Orlando, it's best to find a person who has a passion for the job. Someone who lives and breathes sewage and drainage.  You know, the kind of guy who isn't afraid to wear a toilet plunger on his head, have someone take a picture of it, and then plaster it on the back of a truck.  

Gov Love in an Elevator

As much as I hate talking politics (which is second only to chewing aluminum foil), this story got my attention.

A Governor Charlie Crist sex tape? 

Go on!

Well, the catch is, it's not really sex and it's not on tape, it's on DVD.  Apparently, it's vid of Charlie "making out" with his girlfriend in a hotel elevator.  At the risk of sounding like a freak, I prefer my X-rated stuff a little...well...dirtier.  I mean, it doesn't have to be pregnant midgets in prison or anything like that, but you know, how about a little something that I can't see in a PG-13 Harry Potter movie?  I mean, for goodness sake, I've seen Hannah Montana's green lacy bra, so isn't it safe to say the bar has been raised a bit, in terms of risque?  

Some guy named Roger Stone (who, apparently, everyone in the world has heard of except me) is peddling the video, but...blah, blah, blah...it is still just a "rumored" video and "critics" say the whole thing may have been staged.  Excuse me, if Charlie was going to agree to be part of a stunt to get VP attention, he would have thought bigger than that....everyone knows you need AT LEAST a B-list supporting actress for the sex-tape role...like Pam Anderson or Kim Kardashian...or Pam Anderson AND Kim Kardashian (which actually equals A-List).

Here's Charlie displaying the proper technique for "making out" in an elevator.  Both hands cradle the head, while the eyes say, "Do you get to Florida often?"  Don't knock it...it ALMOST worked on Morgan Fairchild!

My Pick-up Truck is Smarter than Yur 3rd Grader, Y'all!

Necessary requirements for a truly Tacky Fabulous Vehicle: (must have 3 out of 4 criteria)

* pickup truck - check!

* confederate flag - check!  (bonus points for an American Eagle draped in confederate flag wings)

* "Little E" bumper sticker - trust me, it's there.  Two, in fact!

* Truck Nutz

But what's most glorious of all is the incredible message on the window:

"It's a Southern Thang.

Y'all Wouldn't Understand."

If you are a Floridian, please work this into your day-to-day conversations.

Chicks Love ATV's Y'all!

Today in Manhattan, the New York Historical Society will preview its newest exhibit:  "Woven Splendor - Exotic Rugs and Textiles from Timbuktu to Tibet."

 

Yawn.

But this weekend on the outskirts of Orlando, we've got Muddi Gras.  That's 50 acres of mud, y'all.  

It's BYOB -Bring your own buggy (or Truck or ATV).  God will understand if you have to skip church this morning - after all, Muddi Gras wraps up today and the gates open at 8am, which means you'll have the entire day to ride your Truck (or ATV or Buggy) in the mud.  

I know you're thinking that the only thing that could make this better is some cold Budweiser and a little David Allen Coe - that fella who sings, "Y'all Don't Have to Call Me Darlin'."  Well hot damn, I reckon he's fixin to be there, hoss!  AND - the dang flyer says they got showers, campin' and real toilets, too.

Before you suggest I don't understand the social significance of a water-soaked-dirt event, let me display a photograph from my own collection - where I was cheering on my boyfriend at the Sussex County Farm & Horse Show Mud Bog, circa 1994.  

Go Baby, Go!

Gator Barf Ingredients

Not all jobs are created equal, and some are truly Floridian.  Like mimes.  I've seen plenty of them at EPCOT and elsewhere around Disney property, but in my home state of NJ?  Not so much.  

Then, of course, you've got your gator wrangler and your gator processor.  According to a story in the Orlando Sentinel, the processor is the lucky gal who gets to peruse dead gator stomachs.  Gators aren't particularly fussy, based on what the Orange County gator processor has found - including a GI Joe action figure, golf balls, shotgun shells, a lighter, spark plugs, glass, lawn mower parts, milk jugs, and beer cans.  Truly, all the makin's of a great Orlando party.  

Notably absent, museum tickets and a Tolstoy novel.  You can really tell a lot about a city based on what you find inside the local gutted gator, dontcha think?  

photo courtesy: Fred Bellet (AP)

I'm a Ravenous Pig

... so it's really quite ironic that Ravenous Pig is the name of the restaurant where I ate lunch the other day. Is that not the most tacky fabulous name for an eating establishment EVER?

Prior to getting together, my "dining companion" had marked the date on his on his work calendar as follows:

1pm - Lunch with Deanne (Ravenous Pig)

So, on the morning of our date, his assistant opened his calendar, saw what he had written, and let him know she thought it was highly inappropriate for him to refer to me as such. Apparently, she hadn't heard of the place, and thought his notation was descriptive in nature, along the lines of: Kimberly (Hot Fox) or Josephine (Psychotic Dog).

The truffle fries rock, by the way.

Our cups runneth over with culture...

When it comes to hooters, it's so hard to pick a favorite, but really, who can resist Latin Hooters?

Thanks to Mitchie for the great picture.

Sex and the (family friendly) city

The "Sex and the City" movie comes out Friday, May 30th, and we're getting a jump-start on it, with Orlando's "Sex and the Magic City" soiree on Thursday May 22nd at Tatame Sake Lounge on Fairbanks Ave in Winter Park.

You're encouraged to go dressed as your favorite character, so hopefully there will be a few "Mr. Bigs" scattered amongst the "Samanthas." Prizes will be given away, and...

AND...

Goodie Bags! Like make-up counter free-gift-quality-VIP bags, with movie tickets included. (first 50 people get 'em).

Only 182 Days Left!

...until the Neil Diamond concert, baby!

He really defines tacky fabulous, don't you agree? I think the fact that promotion for this concert began 7 months before Neil's feet hit Orlando soil makes the event even more exciting and important.

Sweet Caroline (bomp, bomp, bomp) qualifies as one of the most tacky fabulous songs ever, meeting the three necessary requirements:

1. The artist sings the tune wearing an ascot, scarf, and/or sequined shirt.

2. The artist is described as "enduring"

3. Mark and Lorna perform the song at the Red Fox Lounge in the Best Western Inn.

According to Sentinel music critic Jim Abbott, Neil Diamond still sees his share of undies on-stage. I suspect, though, they are high-waisted with "full coverage bottoms". Imagine being pelted with these Granny Panties during an encore of "Love on the Rocks". Eesh!

Dancing with Myself (at the Fringe)

It's time for the Orlando Fringe Festival, and I'd like to offer up my pick for most Tacky Fabulous event happening there...

"The Silent Rave" on May 24th at 5:24pm. According to the website, it's the latest rage in clubbing. Of course, as with most cool trends, this one traveled from Milan to NYC to Loch Haven Park.

Here's how it works: You load your iPod or portable CD player with tons of your favorite music, and then dance until the batteries die.  You dance by yourself, like nobody's watching. The recommended dress? Business suits, sequins or wings. The motto: "Don't care what others think. Dance in the streets, not your room!"

photo courtesy of www.myspaceantics.com

Your Mom on a Stripper Pole

I know, it's a visual that probably makes you want to throw up a little in your mouth, but if Oprah says it's OK, it's OK.

And Oprah wants me to let you know, pole dancing is where it's at. In fact, here's the Mom that teaches my class.

I'm not going to try and convince you that it really is a great workout, fellas, because I know all you care about is whether we have group pillow fights while wearing frilly lingerie.

The answer is no. It's a dance studio. It's about embracing the female form and re-connecting with our spirit and sensuality as women.

And don't you just love the shoes?

By the way, please watch our segment on the Daily Buzz on Monday, May 19th at 10:20am in Orlando - check your local listings elsewhere!  We even put news chick Kia Malone in 7 inch heels and booty shorts!

The #1 Reason this weekend will not be as tacky fabulous as last weekend...

The Pimp and Ho Party at Orlando's Premier Gay Resort. Sequins, body paint, and fruity drinks - is there anything better?

Not wild enough for ya?  Hang on to your hats, folks - only 456 more hours until Gay Days!

photo courtesy of orlando.metromix.com

A Celebration of Napkin Art

"Stories from a Cocktail Napkin" had its kickoff this evening at my favorite hole-in-the-wall bar, Wally's.  The event features all kinds of stuff doodled on napkins.  Once again, it's art, in the same way that barf exhibit was art.  After a "one night only" at Wally's, the show moves to "Little Fish Huge Pond" in Sanford.  

photo courtesy of Apple.

Fork Off!

Whether you chalk it up as "payback" or "paying it forward," I did pass along some flamingo love in the neighborhood this weekend.

I also chose to up the ante by adding cutlery to the mix.

Behold the majesty of four flamingos - set within the perimeter of one thousand plastic forks and spoons. 

Who You Gonna Call?

Have you been looking for a way to measure "fluctuations in the Electromagnetic spectrum"? Then you may want to consider getting your very own Electromagnetic Field Detector, courtesy of Orlando Ghost Tours. Their professional phantom wranglers use these devices for ghost hunting excursions around town, and this particular EMF model is authorized for at-home use. $40 on the website. Tours run every Monday through Saturday at 8pm.

"The Fat Guy"

Admittedly, I'm easily distracted. As a kid, I used to sit in church and count hats. Then I'd try to see if I could stack all the fingers on my one hand, perfectly straight on top of each other. Sometimes, I'd picture the congregation naked and subsequently feel awful and hope God would understand I wasn't bad, just curious. Then, I'd be so caught up in my guilt that it would lead me to start thinking about all the things I wasn't supposed to think about in church. It wasn't a very positive experience.

Now, as an adult, I spend my time at weddings, events, and school plays looking for Dads dozing off and Moms secretly trying to text message. I still think about naked people.

I giggle incessantly when cell phones ring during important meetings, and I like to play a little game with myself to see if I can be the last person clapping at public events.

So, anyway, about the Magic: I'm happy they're in the playoffs, but I really go to games to see the legendary "Fat Guy." (His self-proclaimed moniker).  I'm mesmerized by him.

Yes, I'm a fair-weather fan. I believe the last time I went to a game, the Fat Guy was still fat, and I don't think he was wearing a cape. I feel like I would have remembered the cape.

On the Orlando Importance Scale (OIS), I rank the Fat Guy ahead of attorney Dan Newlin and meteorologist Tom Terry. (Still acknowledging, however, the importance of Newlin and Terry.)

I think the Fat Guy has all the makings of one of those Budweiser "Real American Heroes". I mean seriously, he's got a cape! What more is required?

So, here's to you Mr. Cape-wearing, frantically-runnin,' hairy-belly-flashing, pound-shedding-basketball-uberfan-attorney Dennis Salvagio.

Oh, and GO MAGIC!

photo courtesy of Gary Green/Orlando Sentinel

With a 'stache like that, you can borrow anything you'd like, Cody Matherson!

Thank you to the Orlando Sentinel for compiling the "Worst Album Covers of All Time!" 

Don't forget to cast your vote.  

When Microwaves Attack...

Of all the things I want my appliances to be, aggressive is not one of them.  Especially since my couch is all set up in a feng shui position - I don't want my television throwing off the vibe.

Obviously, this business brand is the work of a marketing whiz, determined to get ahead of "Best Appliance Repair" in the Orlando yellow pages.  

For this reason, I refuse to do business with any company who's name begins with AAA or A1.  It's cheating.  

I beg to differ, Heathrow!

Flock You!

So, I told you how I got flocked last weekend...

(pink plastic flamingos in my lawn, that is)

Don't worry, I didn't get my feathers ruffled over it. Ha HA!

Based on the huge number of emails I got on the subject, flocking is apparently a huge pastime and a booming business. It has also become such an epidemic that people are now taking out "flocking insurance." If you don't buy it, fairies could descend on your property during the night to drop off lawn decor, in which case you'd have to pay a removal fee, which is then donated to charity.

Perhaps you were "in the know" on all this, and you celebrated National Lawn Greetings Month in April. Or you might be counting the days until June 23rd - National Pink Flamingo Day.

Let me do my part now, for the cause, and honor Donald Featherstone, inventor of the pink plastic flamingo.

Remember, like Donald Featherstone always says, "an empty lawn is like an empty coffee table. You've got to put something on it."

I'm working on a plan to spread plastic bird love in my own neighborhood. I'll updatecha later this week!

It's Official - Carl Sagan and I share DNA!

Click this link for all the details.  

Thanks to Meeting Planner's International, Geoff Johnston, Scott Powers, & Tom Scherberger for this great article.

You say: Suspect. I say: Scumbag. You say: Defendant. I say: Degenerate. You say: Perp. I say: Poophead.

The latest rage in Daytona Beach fashion comes to us courtesy of Police Chief Mike Chitwood.  

The front of the T-shirt says "S.E.T MEMBER."  SET, as in: "Scumbag Eradication Team."  

The back of the shirt (which Daytona Beach News-Journal Describes as "a potty humor cartoon") has a picture of Chief Chitwood smiling while dunking the aforementioned scumbag's head in the toilet.  Below it, the phrase:  "Not in our town!"

There are people who think the whole thing is tacky minus fabulous.  To that, Chitwood replies, "If somebody doesn't like the fact that I call them a scumbag, too bad!"

OK.  So we've settled that.  

You also need to know, there's a really touching back-story that deals with a Chitwood family tradition of "Scumbag" T-shirts.  Chitwood's father is a police chief in Upper Darby Township Pennsylvania, where the officers made shirts that say:  "Not in my town, SCUMBAG."  Isn't it cool to see families pass down their customs from one generation to the next?   

The shirts are 10 bucks a piece, which really is top dollar in Orlando (home of the "5 T-shirts for $6.99" special).

Full story at Daytona Beach News-Journal

photo courtesy of WFTV